The Kim Jong Un weather machine problem

kimjongAccording to sources very, very close to President Trump, the White House is Deeply concerned about Hurricane Harvey and the recent uptick in bad weather torturing the United States.

About 5 days before Hurricane Harvey made landfall, The Trump administration received a nasty email from North Korea promising massive weather destruction to the United States.

“It has come to our attention that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has created a giant disastrous, American killing weather machine,” said an anonymous White House staffer.

hurricaneThe anonymous White House staffer went on to say, “I mean when you have a Category 500 hurricane like Harvey, who else could have created it?  This is the worst hurricane in the history of weather.  There has already been at least 430 inches of rainfall in the past 12 hours.”

Even more sources close to the President have said that Trump is considering building a giant wall of coal-powered hair dryers to set up along the entire United States coast to keep more bad weather from destroying us.

“We will build a giant wall of those hair-dryer things, that get really hot, really fast that will protect our borders.  Kim Jong Un’s weather machine must be stopped.  These hair-dryers will be coal powered (creating about 250 million new jobs) and will truly make America great again,” said Trump.

He later added that, “Obama’s lack of attention to North Korea for the past eight years is the exact reason why this horrible, horrible weather machine was created.  Oh, and Hillary deleting emails,” said Trump.

We can only hope that our Dear Leader Trump can protect us from Kim Jong Un……… we can only hope.

P.S. We attempted unsuccessfully to attain a quote from Mike Pence regarding the weather machine.  We were told he was unable to speak with our female reporter over the phone due to “promiscuity concerns.”

 

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Locked & Loaded- military options on table against Alaska

alaskaAccording to sources close to the White House; military options “on the table” regarding rogue Nation-State Alaska.

Trump tweeted, “we r not ruling out military options until Alaska reconnects to rest of country.”

Three seconds after that tweet, Trump again tweeted on the volatile situation, “doesn’t it seem odd that Alaska is so far from rest of the country? #weirdos”

White House staffers were shockingly caught off guard with our Dear Leader’s latest tweets.

One staffer commented under conditions of anonymous leakage, “At first we were taken aback by the President’s comments.  Then when we researched the issue more closely and realized he was correct……. Alaska IS separated from the rest of the United States.”

Another staffer commented that this has been an ongoing problem created by the Obama administration.  “For eight years, the Alaskan connection issue was seemingly ignored by Obama.  Now we are unfortunately seeing this issue rear it’s ugly head once again.  But don’t worry, Trump has vowed to Make Alaska Connect Again.”

And as this story was going to press our Dear Leader again tweeted, “#fakenews media won’t report on sad,sad,sad #alaskanotconnected story #hannity #foxnews #cnnfake”

Stay tuned for more breaking updates about this story.

Trump is not the problem here

trumpWatching this White House operate has truly been amazing.  Every day some new bull shit surfaces.  Some new reason to be worried, some new statement that makes me scratch my balls, smell my hand and say HMMMMM.

But honestly, Trump is not to blame for this.  We are to blame.  Duh’Merica is the problem here.  It doesn’t matter who sits in the big chair, the people of Duh’Merica, myself included, are the idiots here.

After all, Trump was elected fairly.  So that means more people selected him over any other candidates.  Well done Duh’Merica, well done.

People are so easily manipulated by social media that they can never seem to actually see what is real.  Truth has just become whatever narrative each person chooses to accept.

Like Charles P. Pierce said, “Anything is true if it is said loud enough.”

Well guess what?  Trump was louder than Hillary in every single, fucking way.  And all you Duh’Mericans ate that shit up.

He just keep repeating the same boring Republican mantra over and over and over and over.  And you all bought in with wreck-less fucking abandon.

When he proclaimed he would “lock her up,” all of privileged White-America collectively jizzed their pants.  And now we are left with a 4 year stain that is going to be far worse than what Bill Clinton shot all over Monica’s dress.

We deserve this Duh’Merica, we ABSOLUTELY FUCKING DESERVE THIS.

Trump & the Boy Scout (a conversation)

boy-scouts-2Minutes before delivering his speech to thousands of boy scouts at the Boy Scout Jamboree, our Dear Leader Trump spoke with a 9 year-old boy scout named Tommy.

The following is a recap of the conversation:

Trump- Hello young hero boy, how are you on this incredible day, this fabulous day, this day that will go down in history as the greatest Boy Scout Jamboree in the history of all jamborees?

Tommy- Hi.  My name is Tommy.  Yesterday, I learned how to tie a tie and I got a badge for it.  See my badge, isn’t it cool?

Trump- Oh Tommy, don’t worry about Hillary and all those emails she deleted.  I’m going to make sure no one ever forgets about that.

Tommy- I have a cousin named Hillary.  She’s 6 years old and likes when I make her smores.  I got a badge for making smores.  See my badge, isn’t it awesome.  My mom and dad won’t let me use email yet.

Trump– What’s that you say Tommy?  You are scared to got to bed at night because you are worried about all the illegal immigrants taking your dad’s job and raping your mom?  Don’t worry about that, I’m going to have the Boy Scouts build a wall around any area where brown people try to get in to our country illegally.

Tommy- I built a small tomato garden with a wall around it in my back yard and got a badge for it.  Check out my badge, isn’t it swell?  Mr. President, what does rape mean???

After the rape comment, Tommy’s parents took him back to the audience quickly.

Then, our Dear Leader walked onto the stage and  began his speech like this:

“You know, I just met with a young Scout Hero Boy backstage.  He told me that he was very scared that Hillary would delete his dad’s job and let a brown-skinned illegal alien rape his mom.  I told the young Scout Hero Boy not to worry.  I have no connections to Russia.  Fake News Media, Fake News Media, Voter fraud.  If anything happens to your parents it will be because Obama was born in Kenya.  What a wonderfully smart boy he is.  He will surely never be captured in war.  Little Tommy Scout Hero Boy is a true American hero.”

(Obviously this is comedy and is not real.  But, I could definitely envision a conversation like this happening.)

 

RIP Snooty (a Bradentucky legend)

Trump and Russia possibly colluded to kill world’s oldest Manatee in captivity…….. (comedy, or is it???)

BRADENTUCKY MAN

snootyBradentucky Man is pissed.  I just can’t believe it’s true.  I woke up yesterday, went online and saw that Bradentucky’s precious mascot Snooty had died.

He was 69 years old and they just had a huge birthday party for him at the South Florida Museum the day before.

The world’s oldest, captive Manatee is dead.  He was 69 fucking years old.  He lived through 12 presidents from 1948 to the present.  But there was one president Snooty couldn’t survive…………… Donald Fuckin Trump.

Coincidence????  I think not.

This is a clear instance of the Trump team colluding with Russia to kill one of West Coast Florida’s treasured mascot’s.  My sources are telling me that Trump has always been angry at the South Florida Museum.

Apparently, a few years ago, Trump attempted to buy Snooty for an undisclosed amount because he wanted to showcase him in a fountain at the…

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Trump Royal Family- do you still believe?

donjr(Disclaimer: I think all politicians are self-serving assholes.  My criticism of the Trump Royal Family is not an endorsement for Obama, the Clinton’s or the Bush family.)

A recent poll shows some historically terrible numbers for Lord Trump.  Now, I’m sure most of the hardcore Trump supporters will scream that this poll is “Fake News.”  But remember, any time a poll fits one of your narratives, it then becomes true.

You can’t have it both ways.  Not all polls and not all media are fake.  Don’t tell me the media sucks and then parrot everything Fox News and Rush Limbaugh reports.  Please, at least attempt to be honest with yourself.tumblr_inline_nzrlbglXpe1qf8pbv_500

I seriously wonder about the following questions:

  • Do you really still believe in Trump? 
  • Do you really still believe that every negative media report is “Fake News”? 
  • Is everything negative really everyone else’s fault?
  • How can Christians support Trump?
  • Are you really this blind?

I have a genuine curiosity as to how anyone can now defend Trump.  I totally get that people were tired of Hillary.  That’s 100% understandable.  Sadly, I even understand how hatred for Hillary led people to vote for Trump.  I say “sadly” because using hatred to justify a vote is pretty fucking sad.

And, I’m still amazed that so many evangelicals voted for a man who seldom exhibits any Chrisitian-like qualities.  (Please help me understand this)

As an objective political observer; I’m tired of hearing about Hillary’s emails, Seth Rich and any other item that has nothing to do with Trump’s current presidency.  Hillary lost, she’s gone and doesn’t fucking matter any more.

Hey Trump Royal Family- stop pointing your fingers at everyone else and take some fucking responsibility for YOUR actions.

Hey Trump Supporters- get your fucking heads out of the sand and learn what objectivity is.  You are starting to look incredibly foolish.