what DUH’Merica deserves (no surprises)

(I wrote this during the primary, I feel like it’s spot on and relevant)

Hey Duh’Merica, stop all your damn whining about the Republican candidates.  Just…..fucking…..stop.  This is exactly what you deserve.

TEd-Cruz-ClownThe debates are an absolute circus, the size of which even P.T. Barnum couldn’t ever have imagined.  And the candidates are the clowns that even Bozo would have been proud of.

How can you (Duh’Merica) vote for any of these Bozo’s??

Cruz– he comes off as such a sanctimonious asshole.  He wants more God, doesn’t believe in evolution and thinks gay people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because of Leviticus.donald-trump-caricature

Rubio– never trust anyone from Miami, EVER.  Just like Cruz, he panders to the religious because they are the easiest demographic to fool.

Trump– just an arrogant opportunist who gives bigots a reason to believe their idiocy is acceptable.

Hey Duh’Merica, you get exactly what you deserve.  It’s your fault that the Republican candidates are the white trash version of Cirque du Soleil.

This is what happens when you make millionaires of Kardashians, can’t put down your cellphones and have the attention spans of a 2 year-old.  Maybe do some research and check a fact once in a while.

Stop your fucking whining….. this is exactly what you wanted.  You just haven’t realized it yet.

 

Politicians (dropping your cell phone in the toilet)

phone

(I originally wrote this before the election, still seems relevant and accurate)

As I watch the current politicians all jockeying to fuck Duh’Merica in the ass with no lube, I can’t help but think of something disgusting to compare them to.

They all remind me of a different version of dropping my cell phone in the toilet.

Trump- The phone sinks all the way to the bottom, bouncing off the floater turds, crashing through the loose stool, breaking the bowl because he knows he can buy a new one.

HillaryClintonHillary– The phone does two circles around the bowl; you try to grab it and miss, it circles the bowl again and you still can’t grab it.  Then you realize the phone is actually in a second, private toilet in another room with it’s own private, non-government sanctioned bathroom.

Bernie– The phone yells back at you from under the excrement and it makes you feel horrible for even owning a cell phone.  You fish it out, cut it into several pieces and mail the pieces to those who can’t afford their own cell phone.

Cruz- the phone drops right into the middle of your shit and turns around until all sides are covered.  You fish it out, wash it off judiciously, but it never quite comes clean and leaves a horribly smelly film for the rest of eternity.

Carson- right after it drops into the bowl, you pray as hard as you can and it miraculously jumps out of the toilet, hits you in the forehead and forces you to finally “see the light.”

Rubio- it never actually sinks, just floats around like a raft, dodging the turds like his ancestors dodging sharks in the Florida Straits on their way to America.  (yeah, I know that’s pretty bad)

our president (an easy critique)

(disclaimer: I believe all politicians are shit)

trumpmelbourneI sat through the horrible dung-parade election.  I watched as millions of people in our country decided to let hate rule their lives and their voting reflected that hatred.

The level of idiocy in Duh’Merica is staggering.

 

President Donald J. Trump in a nutshell:

  • He behaves like a terrible ex-husband or ex-wife; when confronted by anyone about anything, he yells at them and tells them they are losers.  If you present him with valid facts that prove he’s dishonest and making shit up, it’s “fake news” and you are an “idiot.”

  • Negotiator in Chief?????? A true negotiator is not someone who does whatever they can to win at all costs.  A true negotiator doesn’t use his/her money and power to get their way.  That’s what a bully does.
  •  Pep Rally President– When everything appears to be spiraling into the toilet, he pretends that he’s on the campaign trail again.  He flew in to Melbourne, FL and talked about how great he is.  How he’s going to make “America Great Again,” to the thunderous applause from a large gaggle of uninformed, delusional right-wing zealots.
  • His Debt– Wouldn’t it be interesting to actually know exactly who our President and his businesses owe money to?  My guess is that it would probably explain his position on Russia and the countries he left off of the travel ban list.

While I’m not a fatalist, our country is in a very bad place right now.  Too many people have let their ignorance and hatred rule their decisions.

Our President is an absolute, fucking joke.  This is what I know to be real.

 

 

a question for “christians”

(Disclaimer: I think all politicians are self-serving, pieces of shit)

angry_trump_0Of all the incredible events from the election and our revelations from our now President Trump, one thing has truly baffled me:

How in the hell can Christians, from evangelicals to the mild believer, have voted for Trump?  How in the context of the Bible was that even possible?

I feel like Trump embodies several characteristics that most churches throughout our country view as abhorrent and very non-Christ like.  There are numerous biblical verses that provide examples of this, below are a few of my favorites:

“For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing.” James 3:16

“He who separates himself seeks his own desire, he quarrels against all sound wisdom.” Proverbs 18:1

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves.” Philippians 2:3

Again, I ask all Christians….. How could you have voted for Trump?  How?  How?  I honestly want to know.  I want to hear how you justify it.

As I’m left to form my own opinions about this, I have to speculate.   It appears to me that your hatred of the other candidates, which is highly un-biblical, led you to “settle” for Trump.

Or was is because Trump picked an evangelical VP in Mike Pence???  Do you really think Pence will be able to calm Trump down?  Seriously???

I am honestly asking for Christians to comment on this post and help me understand this.  Please comment.  I promise I will only engage in intelligent discourse.  I’m not writing this post to fight, I truly want to understand.

Cheers

 

 

Trump replies to a hipster

Dear Hipster Schmuck, Believe it or not, I did read your letter. Well, I had someone read it to me. And I have a few things to tell you. Thanks for not voting for me. I didn’t need your sorry, smelly Hipster vote. You are exactly what’s wrong with this country. You are a perfect […]

via Trump replies to a hipster — HipsterStories

People protesting DOES NOTHING

protesterSo thousands and thousands of people marched for equal rights yesterday.  And guess what????  Absolutely nothing changed and nothing will change because people walked around with signs.

You know why?  Because Trump, his cabinet and his supporters don’t give a shit.  They won, you didn’t.  And they love it.

Politically, they will do whatever they want to do with no care for you and your protests.  You will have sore feet and a crotch rash and nothing will change for the better.

Stop posting how “proud” you are of everyone who walked around with a sign.  Your sign doesn’t mean jack, fucking, shit.  They only people who care about your protest were the people walking next to you.

You were preaching to your own choir, but you slept well last night.  And that’s all that matters.

Look, Trump is an asshole, this is true.  He’s a sexist, egotistical asshole and should never be anyone’s president, but he is.  And there are 60 something million people who voted for him and they are also assholes.gty-womens-march-washington-4-jt-170121_mn_4x3t_384

But Hillary sucked giant donkey balls too.  Don’t try to tell me differently, I’m stating facts.

Instead of making signs and chanting maybe you should do something else.

Like feed a homeless kid, volunteer at a domestic abuse shelter or help and old person cross the street.  Those are things you can actually do in your community that make a real difference.

You decry the evil that is Trump and then walk around with signs.  You are part of Duh’Merica, embrace it.

(Please comment and tell me how your protests/marches from yesterday did anything, please)

Trump meets with Steve Harvey???

Yeah, I’m real fucking confused.  Our president, D Trump, took a meeting with annoyingly mustachioed “comedian” Steve Harvey.  Hold the fucking phone here.

Our Fearless Leader Meets With Steve Harvey

What the what?  What the fuck?  Fuck the what?

According to reporters, the first thing our golden-haired president did was call Ben Carson and put him on speaker.  Well, hell yeah.  It makes sense that he called the only black person he knows to join the conversation.steve-harvey-donald-trump

And then they talked about how to help people in the inner cities.

Yes, you heard that correctly.  President Golden Shower spoke with two incredibly wealthy black dudes who haven’t lived in a ghetto since they were children.  Wow, now that’s progress.

I’m sure that every poor, real ghetto person feels better today.  They probably walked outside and quoted Ice Cube, “Today, I didn’t even have to use my AK.  I got a say it was a good day.”

(Someone should probably tell Dr. Carson who Ice Cube is.)

Probably the best part for me will be when all the pasty, white conservatives will pound their chest and say, “See, Mr. Trump really cares about the black community.  He’s going to make a difference.”

Duh’Merica, you are a dirty, dirty whore.  Go to the clinic and get tested immediately.