The First Honest Obituary

Recently, my grandfather passed away at the age of 88.  I won’t bore you with the details.  He was a great man, lived a great life and he died.  That’s just life.

As my family prepared his obituary for the local paper, it got me thinking about a couple of things.  Have you ever noticed how obituaries are always positive and always portray the dead person as a freaking saint?

Now, this has nothing to do with my grandfather, he actually was a saint and never hurt a soul.

But, I would like to prepare an obituary for a hypothetical dead person who was a real piece of shit.

Billy Ray Bumpkus 1980-2012, from Anytown, USA

Well, we all knew it was coming.  Satan finally cashed in Billy Ray’s soul ticket and took him to the depths of hell where he belongs.

We all wondered how it would happen.  Hell, the whole family and neighborhood had a death pool going.

Congrats to Billy Ray’s cousin Lula Bell who correctly predicted that he would die by being bitten by his pet Black Mamba named Hitler.  $100 to you Lula Bell, well done.

Early Life:  Billy Ray was a fairly destructive child.  At age 7, while still breastfeeding, he stumbled upon his neighbor’s meth lab and set the entire trailer park on fire when he tried to light a Newport.  After that incident, Billy Ray began drinking heavily and became known as the “Trailer Park Firestarter.” Continue reading

Defending Your Beliefs

UnknownI saw this at the grocery store the other day and yes, it made me think.  I know I should just ignore the Duck family, but I just can’t.  The way people react to them is amazing to me.

I absolutely support the right for every American to believe in whatever they want.  I think that’s one beautiful aspect of being an American.

“You’ve gotta respect everyone’s beliefs.” No, you don’t. That’s what gets us in trouble. Look, you have to acknowledge everyone’s beliefs, and then you have to reserve the right to go: “That is fucking stupid. Are you kidding me?” I acknowledge that you believe that, that’s great, but I’m not going to respect it. I have an uncle that believes he saw Sasquatch. We do not believe him, nor do we respect him!” Patton Oswalt

But with that freedom also comes the freedom for people to comment on others beliefs.If you hold a belief that is controversial in any way, you should be prepared for others to comment about your belief.

Especially if you are a public figure capitalizing on your image and your beliefs.

Especially if you hold a belief that is rooted in the Old Testament of the Bible.

With the constant pressure of political correctness, we often lose sight of what is real and what is fantasy due to a fear of offending others.

I’m beginning to agree somewhat with Patton Oswalt’s quote above.  What happens when a person’s beliefs are absolutely asinine or wholly unbelievable? Continue reading

Dancing Al Roker (the lost milf)

Pain-pill-addiction-Top-10-signs-and-symptoms2her main job for the day is to take the kids to and from school.  They are older now so the task has become considerably easier. Their Iphones have the alarm clocks now and they no longer care for breakfast.

“The bus leaves in 10 minutes,” she warns them each morning.

her bus is an extended Chevy Suburban with those cute stickers on the back window that helps everyone understand exactly how many kids and pets she has now.  The windows are tinted as dark black as legally possible so no one can see her face absent of make up that earlier in the morning.  The crows feet are deeper now and the dark circles widen with each year.

after dropping them off, kisses blown and back to the house.  Once inside, time for the magical breakfast 5-4-3 cocktail……..5 grapes followed by 4 crushed and snorted Oxy’s followed by a glass of water with 3 lemon slices………….ah, let the numb morning begin.

so much easier to watch the Today show with that “sink into the couch” feeling, damn, Al Roker looks like a little, black, talking prune……..pointing at colorful maps of clouds, rain, snow and bright, smiling suns……….easy, the maps move so fast, so colorful, so fast.

she thinks Al’s dancing again just like he does every morning, “Now here’s what’s happening in your neck of the woods.”  She tries to imagine what her neck and the woods have in common.  “That phrase is so strange,” she thinks as she continually scratches that same place under her chin that she paws at each morning as Al continues to dance.  Thankfully, plenty of turtlenecks in the drawer by the bed.

the couch feels so good, so good that it’s already lunchtime.  Al danced off the screen hours ago, but she doesn’t remember and she doesn’t care.

finding the energy, she pulls her body into the kitchen knowing that she should probably eat something, she opens the fridge and stares, returns to the couch, sinking like an anchor all the way to the bottom

an odd sound grips her ears, slow pulsing guitar chords bend back and forth, back and forth, she realizes it’s her cell phone again and not Al’s dancing music…………

a message, she amazingly finds the voice mail button……

“Hello Mrs. So and So, we were wondering why you didn’t show up at your son’s teacher conference this morning. He said you promised to make it this time. We hope everything is alright,” says the message voice.

No worries, everything is wonderful.  Time for the 5-4-3 lunch.

Rinse and repeat

Church Signs & Oral Sex

“They stand best, who kneel most.” 

 

stupid-church-signI saw this on a sign in front of a church the other day while traveling for work.

I’m guessing that this particular church was going for a quote about praying, hence the kneeling reference. 

But, my immediate thoughts revolved around oral sex and more specifically, blowjobs.

If the quote is indeed to be homage to people who pray, I’m having trouble grasping the logic behind it.  So, the more someone kneels on the ground praying, the better they stand? 

I’m not a doctor, but I don’t think frequent kneeling is conducive to good posture.  So by my logic, those who kneel too much will probably not be able to stand very well at all.

I’m very afraid that “Frequent Kneelers” may end up with horribly bad posture and terrible back problems.  How could a church promote such actions that would be a detriment to the health of their worshipers? Continue reading

When Life Changes

“Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything.” Kurt Vonnegut

I realized the other night just how much my life has changed in the past few years.
I’ve always been a sports fan and the College Football National Championship was on the other night.

Juan-Pablo-Bachelor-Contestants-PicturesI fully planned on watching the game rather than anything else that night.

But after about five minutes I realized that my wife and three daughters had coaxed me into watching the Bachelor premiere.

So, instead of watching sports, I was suddenly playing a game of “pick which hooker we want to get the rose.”  It was at this point that I realized my life had drastically changed. Continue reading

Dear Kyle (the troll pit-bull owner)

whitetrashSadly, my posts about pit-bull owners seem to attract the most attention.  After reading my post; Pit Bulls, White Trash & Ghetto Fabulous A-holes, an incredibly angry pit-bull owner named Kyle sent me the following comment:

“The jackass that made this blog needs dog bit. I own a pit and have bred dozens of small breeds for years. Bit atleast a dozen times and it was stupid yuppie people with furr ball house dogs. Your stats may be close to right but you can’t blame it on the breed. Guarantee small furry dogs bite ten times more than pits but it’s never recorded. Wonder why??? Jackass’s like you”

Thank you Kyle for supporting just about everything in my post that relates to DUMB-ASS Pit-Bull owners.  Essentially, your quote is nonsense.  I do want to thank you for letting me know that I “needs dog bit.”

So how long did it take to pass the high school equivalency exam?  It probably sucked that the test proctors wouldn’t let you bring your seeing-eye Pit-Bull into the exam with you.  Discrimination is terrible.  You must fully understand now how Rosa Parks felt. Continue reading

Plastic Parade (a poem)

duck-face-mom-yearA-typical Rolex submariner sits on the dad’s wrist like a beacon of arrival,
his too-tight Ed Hardy tee sticks to his cross fit chest like an extra layer of skin.
those hours in the gym, the broccoli, the grilled chicken, the spinach salads……
Eyes scanning the crowd looking for that 25 year-old who hasn’t yet sunk the botox into her forehead

Wifey to his left, flipping her platinum dyed hair again and again and again
She, looking for someone to make fun of, looking for someone to help her feel better about her collagen duck-faced lips,

her third tit job, her fourth anal bleaching, her fifth affair with a new trainer,Tattoo reads “MILF” along the panty line that only a select 50 or so willing erections get to see.

She, peering at the younger women while licking her lips with the misguided confidence of an American Idol contestant Continue reading