French Class (I will be taking Spanish next year)

First Day of Class

When I was a freshman in high school my French teacher told me that she had heard from someone that I could be smart if only I tried harder. At first I was not too sure how to absorb that statement. Sure it was somewhat of a cruel thing to say to a high school freshman, but maybe she had a good reason for delivering this statement to me in front of my entire class.

She didn’t even bother to tell me this with the professionalism I expected from an overweight, boring French teacher. She delivered the line with a smugness that could only be replicated by true, obnoxious euro-trash. (Stereotyping people of all nationalities was a popular thing for me at that time in my life.)

I would have preferred maybe some informal meeting before or after class, but she decided to exhibit her power and embarrass me in front of the class. I now was left wondering who this mysterious “someone” was who had informed my French teacher of my intellectual potential only two weeks into the semester. Continue reading


Dear Soccer Mom


(I’m posting this again because I have to pick my kids up today and this will surely happen again.)

Hi there, you don’t know me, but you cut me off today while speeding through a 20 MPH school zone in your extended Chevy Suburban with the stickers on the back window that shows how many children you have.

I’m sure there was a good reason for you endangering the lives of young, innocent school children by blatantly ignoring the speed limit.

Maybe you broke a nail and had a “salon-emergency.”

Maybe one of your fake, silicone tits popped and you had to race to your plastic surgeon’s office before the other 20 soulless insecure women beat you there.

Maybe you just found out that your husband was banging his much younger than you, much hotter than you, much tighter than you secretary and you were speeding to your lawyer’s office to draw up the divorce papers.

Silly me, that couldn’t be true because there is no way in hell you would divorce your meal ticket, the provider of your country club lifestyle.  Continue reading

When Bosses Don’t Think

(This happened a while ago when I worked for two bosses who were the absolute biggest idiots in the history of business.)

So this morning my computer was acting unusually slow.  I rebooted and then my email crashed.  I told my boss about it and he told me I probably had too many “windows” open and that’s why it stopped working.

“Hmmm,” I thought to myself.  Too many windows open.

Now, I’m no IT computer genius, but I always thought that Bill Gates created “windows” so that users could open and use multiple windows at one time.  I thought that was the whole marketing gimmick there, but maybe I’m the crazy one. Continue reading

Hey Oprah

Shit, that’s not Oprah….

Hey Oprah– Give it up, nobody gives a shit about you anymore.  You have your own network, wow, very impressive.

Impressive until you actually gave Rosie O’Donnell a show on it.  Thanks though for actually realizing just how shitty O’Donnell is and for cancelling her show.

Hey Oprah– your fat, your skinny, your dieting, your fat again, your skinny again.  Who gives a fuck about what you shove in your mouth?

If I had a sixteenth the money you have, I would eat Philly Cheese steaks for breakfast and chase them with mayonnaise milk shakes.

Just admit it…… like to eat food, a lot of food.  It’s ok, you are a good American.


Hey Oprah– are you really fucking that guy Stedman who lives in your guest house or is he really just a front for you to hide the fact that you enjoy licking O’Donnell’s snatch every night?

Come on, tell the truth, no one would really be surprised.  I’m guessing that’s the blackmail she used to get a show on your network because she’s about as interesting and funny as rectal cancer.

Hey Oprah– The only way I would watch your show again is if you have Geraldo Rivera on, shave his mustache while playing naked Twister with him, put the stache clippings on an extra large slice of pizza and feed it to Jay Leno while he tries to asphyxiate himself with a Doritos bag.

Hey Oprah– I really don’t hate you.  I just hate the depraved culture that created you.

It’s not your fault and to tell the truth, if I were you, I probably would be doing the same thing.  But I’d be way cooler and controversial.

Fat Nurses; a Parade of Irony

I have always been a big fan of irony.  And nothing intrigues me more than a fat nurse.  That’s right.

Let that sink in for a minute.  A fat nurse.   A nurse who is fat.  A nurse who eats too much.

I’m not talking about the glamorized nurse on television who every male patient wants a sponge bath from, I’m talking about the squeaky shoe nurse.

The nurse with the very visible, large panty line that looks like a mini-parachute hiding underneath some intensely stressed scrubs.  The nurse with the fake tanned skin, pursed lips from smoking and a speck of leftover Twinkie sitting on the corner of her mouth.

Now I’m not at all offended by people who are overweight.  I’ve always struggled with my weight, mainly because I’m not willing to give up Cheetohs, Mountain Dew and beer.

I know what it’s like to be overweight, but you don’t see me telling people to cut down on eating Philly cheese steaks or that midnight grilled cheese sandwich.

I know that difficulty first hand.   Oh, and I never forget to add a piece of bologna to the grilled cheese.  For protein of course. Continue reading

Office Fantasies

I know there are millions of people working in jobs they don’t like.  I’m guessing that many of them have fantasies of things they would love to say or do to their co-workers and bosses, but just can’t.  Here are a few of mine, please feel free to share yours:

  • I’m glad you enjoyed your coffee this morning because I got to the office early and jerked off in it.  Enjoy
  • Follow people as they go to the bathroom, when they get done, follow them back to their desks spraying them with Lysol.
  • Every time I walk into someone’s office to ask a question, I would adjust my cock and balls repeatedly, then say, “thanks for your help”
  • Send a company wide email thanking my boss for letting me borrow his Gold Bond Medicated Powder
  • During a staff meeting, blurt out, no fucking way every time my boss finishes a sentence.
  • Every time the company asshole, and we all have one, says something, give him/her a titty twister
  • Walk into the person’s office who has a jar of candy or mints, put my hand down my pants then grab some
  • Go to the bathroom and leave the door cracked open while you shit
  • Go into the bathroom, take out the plunger and lay it on the employee’s desk who is OCD with the hand sanitizer (inspired by the Seinfeld episode where Elaine rubbed the keyboard on her ass)
  • In an terribly racist Asian voice say, “me love you long time” every time you answer the phone
  • Give someone a wet-willy
  • Go from office to office asking everyone what a fecalpheliac is.

Yes, I am bored at work today.  I’m actually very clean and would probably never do any of those things, but it would be funny.  Gross, but funny.  Surely I’m not the only person with fantasies like this?????

Dear Prospective Employer (The Best Cover Letter Ever)

(I was bored one day, wrote this and emailed to several businesses.  Oddly enough, no responses)

To:  Whoever Needs A Break From Monotony

This may very well be the first cover letter you have ever read that will not be full of self gratuitous stories telling you why you should hire me.  Instead, I will present you with an unequivocally honesty depiction of who I am as a person and some of my experiences in the workforce that have shaped my personality.

My early work experience began in the world of retail clothing when I was a college student.  For nearly five years I crept from a stock boy to the relatively important position of assistant store manager.  Throughout that time I learned the following:

  • Most people generally suck and are devoid of all rational thought, especially when placed in a mall
  • White women with babies in strollers will steal clothing more than minority races will
  • Some customers will ask for a “refundment” or “exchangement” and be totally serious
  • Dressing rooms can sometimes be viewed as a restroom by angry customers

My more recent work experience for the last 7 years has been in the field of worker’s compensation while working for various payroll companies.  During this time I have learned the following: Continue reading