Most Overrated Bands

Like most people, I love music.  I understand that everyone has different tastes, but there are several bands that I think absolutely suck giant donkey balls who are incredibly famous.  I just don’t get it.  Please, somebody help me.

Here’s my list of overrated bands, in no particular order:

Aerosmith– An androgynous lead singer and one of their most famous songs is called “Love in an Elevator”.  Come on people, that’s just ridiculous.  And ladies, Steven Tyler is not hot by any stretch of the imagination.  Did you notice him ogling pre-teens as an American Idol judge?  Pure rock star there.

Bruce Springsteen“Born in the U.S.A.”, no shit Bruce, as if we couldn’t tell.  I refuse to listen to his music until he stops chewing on marbles.  Please, someone enlighten me as to what language he speaks.  Is it English, is it blue-collar Jersey, is it some form of white Ebonics? The best thing Bruce did was get his guitarist a lead role on the Sopranos.

The Smiths– no offense to homosexuals, but this band is as queer as a football bat.  The hair, the pageantry, the flitting around the microphone like it’s a luscious cock, need I say more?

The Rolling Stones– Yes, I went there.  Talk about a grotesques group of over-achievers, WOW.  Mick Jagger looks like a horribly miscalculated Muppett creation and Keith Richards looks like a cigarette that has been shoved up a homeless guys ass, dipped in Scotch and smoked yet again.  No band can stay together for 150 years and be considered great.

Oasis– What-the-fuck-ever.  Here’s the story morning glory.  You are a band of petulant, whiny, uni-brow wearing Brits who are dying to be Radiohead.  Please stay away from Glastonbury and do not attempt a comeback.  “Champagne Super Nova in the Sky?”  Exactly, I rest my case.

Thanks for listening to another one of my rants.  I appreciate it.

In case you were wondering, a few of my favorite bands are; The Pixies, Radiohead, G-Love and the Special Sauce, Sublime, Jimi Hendrix, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Mickey Avalon and Yellowman.  Hopefully they aren’t on your overrated list.

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I Would Like To……

I would like to dip Paula Deen in butter, roll her in flour and then drop her into a huge deep-fat fryer.

Then, once cooked, slice her into little bite-sized pieces and feed all the hungry kids in the world.  I’m sure she would taste like a yummy, plump chicken.

I would like to make people understand that praying does absolutely nothing and waving your hands to the sky only makes birds and aliens very nervous.

Thanks a lot religious freaks, I’ve been waiting for years to be captured by aliens and taken away from this planet.

I would like to lock all the Kardashians in a rubber-walled room with three dictionaries and see who figures out how to open it first. Continue reading

The Best Dream Ever

It starts with me walking down a poorly lit hallway with several doors on each side, some cracked open and some closed.  I want to look in each door, but something is making me nervous to look.  But I look anyway.

The first door is numbered 666 and I open it.  There is a huge bed in the middle of the room and I see Rush Limbaugh dressed like a catholic school girl and he has black mascara dripping down his bulbous cheeks like he’s been crying.  He looks at me with his God-Fearing eyes and points to the corner.

In the corner there are two Filipino adult midgets tied together with ball-gags in their mouths, smiling and sitting on top of a very worn out Twister board.

Then out of the closet, Justin Beiber runs out dressed in a lederhosen t-back carrying a crystal magic wand.  He flips his hair, points the wand at Rush and says, “Lady-Boy Alive.”  Immediately Rush grows HHH titties and starts giggling like he’s on laughing gas.

He gets down on all fours on the edge of the bed and Justin mounts him and starts riding him like a donkey.  Rush squeals and Justin just keeps flipping his hair.  Then Usher appears with a video camera and starts taping the whole thing and tells me he’s going to put it on You Tube.

I’m starting to feel a little weird about everything so I try to help the Filipino midgets get untied.

They start blowing me kisses, so I run out of the room and slam the door shut.  At the end of the hallway I see my 5th grade teacher standing next to a urinal and she says, “I told you that you wouldn’t amount to anything.”  I wake up and realized I pissed myself, again.

French Class (I will be taking Spanish next year)

First Day of Class

When I was a freshman in high school my French teacher told me that she had heard from someone that I could be smart if only I tried harder. At first I was not too sure how to absorb that statement. Sure it was somewhat of a cruel thing to say to a high school freshman, but maybe she had a good reason for delivering this statement to me in front of my entire class.

She didn’t even bother to tell me this with the professionalism I expected from an overweight, boring French teacher. She delivered the line with a smugness that could only be replicated by true, obnoxious euro-trash. (Stereotyping people of all nationalities was a popular thing for me at that time in my life.)

I would have preferred maybe some informal meeting before or after class, but she decided to exhibit her power and embarrass me in front of the class. I now was left wondering who this mysterious “someone” was who had informed my French teacher of my intellectual potential only two weeks into the semester. Continue reading

Being Isaach De Bankole (a tribute to the Limits of Control)

Are you interested in science by any chance? I’m interested in molecules.  The Sufi say, each one of us is a planet spinning in ecstasy.  But I say, Each one of us is a set of shifting molecules, spinning in ecstasy.  In the near future, worn out things will be made new again by reconfiguring the molecules.  A pair of shoes, a tire.  Molecular detection will also allow the determination of an object’s physical history; this matchbook for example, its collection of molecules could indicate everywhere it’s ever been.  They could do it with your clothes or even your skin for that matter.  The universe has no center and no edges.  Molecules, from the Limits of Control

It would never work.  I could never be the character Lone Man who Isaach De Bankole portrays in the Jim Jarmusch movie The Limits of Control.

He’s so calm, so centered and so focused on the mission at hand.  People speak to him and he often stares back as if nothing has been said.

He ritually performs Tai Chi to keep his center.  He’s so fucking disciplined.

I mean when Paz De La Huerta is lying naked on his bed, begging him to enjoy her, he simply denies her.

“Do you like sex,” she says.

He simply replies, “Yes,” and refrains.

No sudden moves, no inkling that he even has a dick.  He doesn’t even take his suit off as she sleeps naked, lying next to him .

Then the beautiful Paz adorns a clear raincoat with her naked brilliance beneath.

“Do you like my raincoat,” she says. Continue reading

Patience (Nas & Damian Marley)

Are we born not knowing, are we born knowing all?  Are we growing wiser, are were just growing tall?  Can you read thoughts?  Can you read palms?  Can you predict the future?  Can you see storms……….coming? Patience by Nas & Damian Marley

I’ve been a fan of reggae for a long time.  I think it’s a undervalued art form, especially with lyrics like the ones in this video.  Makes me think, makes me think a lot.  I think we could all use a little more “sabali”.