Contestant #3 (an ode to the Bachelor)

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(I’m re-posting this because my favorite train wreck is starting again on Monday)

OMG, who will he pick this time????

After sucking on 10 different sets of collagen-filled lips, love is floating around the hot tub like un-caged semen unfazed by chlorine.

“I can really see myself with you.  I’ve never felt a connection like this,” says contestant number 8 as she slips her bikini top back, adjusts her thong and exits the hot tub.

The Bachelor looks toward the sky and thanks the good lord for his fortune, but before he can finish the prayer, contestant number 3 sneaks up behind him, wrapping her lips around his ear.

His dick still hard from number 8, number 3 was now straddling him as the bubbles started to foam and lap against his chiseled pecks

“You know, I want to show you a trick,” she whispered into his ear.

She turned around, dropped her head into the water and into his lap. She began sucking his member.  His body began to quiver.  Just when he thought he could take no more, her ass jumped from the water and began to “twerk” relentlessly in his face.  Her precious lady bits were only inches from his face.

He started to slide his tongue into her meat pouch, but a sudden thought of fear rambled around his head.

“Oh no, my sweet little daughter will watch this one day.  What will she think about her daddy licking number 3’s lady bits in the hot tub.”

Then he quickly remembered how heavily edited the “reality” show is.  He inserted his tongue deep inside number 3’s love canal, gave her a rose and asked for a cigarette.

Manufactured love is a beautiful concept and a concept the Bachelor will never forget.

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Dear Chris Christie (letter from a Duh’Merican)

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(Thought I would re-post this given the current debacle he’s in.  I actually heard him say that he found out about everything after he finished “working out.”  Yeah right.)

Are you really going to be running for President in 2016?  Are you really going to be the face of the Republican Party?

Well, I guess you are a fairly accurate representation of the American people.  After all, I think it’s being reported that around 36% of all American adults aged 20 and over are considered obese.

Even after your lap-band surgery, you still appear to be almost morbidly obese.  But there is plenty of time for you to “de-supersize” yourself before you make a bid for the presidency.

I’m not sure what it says about a person who has to have a band surgically implanted around their stomach to curb their voracious appetite.  This apparent lack of self control makes me a bit worried about how you may behave yourself if elected President.

Forget about religion and gay marriage, let’s talk about GMO’s and large sodas.  Yippeeee.

Could you imagine the power you would have?  You could have sexy hookers feed you chicken wings while they dancing naked around your own personal “oral”, I mean oval office. Continue reading

When Life Changes

“Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything.” Kurt Vonnegut

I realized the other night just how much my life has changed in the past few years.
I’ve always been a sports fan and the College Football National Championship was on the other night.

Juan-Pablo-Bachelor-Contestants-PicturesI fully planned on watching the game rather than anything else that night.

But after about five minutes I realized that my wife and three daughters had coaxed me into watching the Bachelor premiere.

So, instead of watching sports, I was suddenly playing a game of “pick which hooker we want to get the rose.”  It was at this point that I realized my life had drastically changed. Continue reading

The Selfie Generation

selfieI feel lucky to have been a teenager in the 90’s when social media was actually having to converse face to face with people.  I have teen-aged daughters and I’m watching this FacebookInstaChatSnapGram live from the front row.

And I have to say I feel sympathy for them.  My wife and I do an excellent job of monitoring their social media and we remain steadfast in being proactive with their lives.  But damn, this shit is amazing.

I can only imagine how my life would have been different if I had today’s technology while I was in high school:

*Every time I drank a beer, smoked some weed or said something shitty about someone, it would be right out on front street. 

*It was so much easier to be able to just talk behind peoples’ backs without fear of being recorded. 

*It was so much easier to pass out drunk without having to worry about becoming the next Vine video of a drunk asshole with dicks drawn on his cheeks in permanent marker. 

*It was so much easier to egg someone’s house and root their yard up without fear of it being taped by Verizon home security cameras. 

*It was so much easier to tell my parents I was going to my friend Tom’s house even though I was meeting a girl for sex and not have to worry about an app on my cell phone telling them exactly where I was. 

*It was so much easier to apply for a job and not worry that the prospective employer already knew everything about me that I was trying to hide.

I think what saddens me the most is that as we become more technologically advanced we seem to become lazier, less intelligent and desensitized to everything that damages us.

Maybe I will post that last thought on Facebook and see how many “likes” I can get.

RIP Paul Walker, (duh’merica rises again)

paul-walkerDuh’Merica never ceases to amaze me.  When Paul Walker died, I sadly laughed at all the people who were interviewed on television.

By all accounts, Walker seemed like a good guy.  When I say “by all accounts”, I mean whatever I’ve seen on television.  I mean for all I know Walker had a basement full of Filipino lady-boys playing naked Twister on a daily basis.  Hell, I don’t know.

Anyway.  His death, although not exactly tragic in my opinion, brought out the best in Duh’Merica.  People crying about what a great guy he was.  People crying, talking about what a great actor he was.  People crying about what a tragedy his death was.  People crying for a man they never met.

Let me repeat that last line for you: PEOPLE CRYING FOR A MAN THEY NEVER MET.

You see, this is a major problem with our country.  Continue reading

god’s mysterious ways(the devil wins again)

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I’ve grown so tired of hearing the expression “god works in mysterious ways.” (I never capitalize god, just doesn’t feel right)

Hey god, your mysterious ways confuse me:

….kids dying from cancer

….the kardashians, jean shorts, ebonics

….kids starving throughout the entire world

….tyler perry, duck dynasty, rhianna, mtv

….children being sexually abused, women being raped, female circumcision

….the bible, rednecks, confederate flags, prayers

Holy Shit god- Looks like the DEVIL is kicking your ass and the score is about a trillion to zero.

(I have no problem with people believing in god, but if you are going to believe in god, at least believe that he is indeed a cruel fucking god)

 

Duh’Merica (the creepy uncle)

Duh’Merica, You have disturbed my pleasant dreams and filled my head with Kardashians, Honey Boo-Boos and extra large french-fry commercials

Duh’Merica, You continue to produce generations of young fools who would rather take pictures of their cocks and tits then read a book about the history they are about to repeat

Duh’Merica, You continue to bomb dark-skinned people far from your shores in the hopes of distracting your masses from what is real……………and the distraction continues to succeed

Duh’Merica, You pound your chest under the false guise of patriotism while removing all hope of an intelligent, rational discussion regarding anything of social importance

Duh’Merica, Your masses continue to believe in a magician in the clouds while always discounting your opposable thumbs

Duh’Merica, You never fail to grip me with the tight fingers of the old, creepy uncle, sitting in the corner at the family reunion making everyone uncomfortable……… and always doing it with a smile.