Duh’Merica (a poem)

DUH’merica, what have you done?

While you parade the streets in gas guzzling suburbans, there are soldiers dying around the world trying to kill dark-skinned people after taking orders from fat, pasty-white politicians who only care about their offshore bank accounts.

DUH’merica, why don’t you care?

That our children have difficulty finding China on a map, but they can update their Facebook status perfectly while crossing a busy city street without getting splattered in traffic.

DUH’merica, why can’t you turn it off?

The Kardashians, TMZ, The Bachelor, American Idol, America’s Got Talent sift through the minds of our youth like a slow, neurotoxin eating them from the inside out. Continue reading

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I Would Like To……

I would like to dip Paula Deen in butter, roll her in flour and then drop her into a huge deep-fat fryer.

Then, once cooked, slice her into little bite-sized pieces and feed all the hungry kids in the world.  I’m sure she would taste like a yummy, plump chicken.

I would like to make people understand that praying does absolutely nothing and waving your hands to the sky only makes birds and aliens very nervous.

Thanks a lot religious freaks, I’ve been waiting for years to be captured by aliens and taken away from this planet.

I would like to lock all the Kardashians in a rubber-walled room with three dictionaries and see who figures out how to open it first. Continue reading

Defending Your Beliefs

UnknownI saw this at the grocery store the other day and yes, it made me think.  I know I should just ignore the Duck family, but I just can’t.  The way people react to them is amazing to me.

I absolutely support the right for every American to believe in whatever they want.  I think that’s one beautiful aspect of being an American.

“You’ve gotta respect everyone’s beliefs.” No, you don’t. That’s what gets us in trouble. Look, you have to acknowledge everyone’s beliefs, and then you have to reserve the right to go: “That is fucking stupid. Are you kidding me?” I acknowledge that you believe that, that’s great, but I’m not going to respect it. I have an uncle that believes he saw Sasquatch. We do not believe him, nor do we respect him!” Patton Oswalt

But with that freedom also comes the freedom for people to comment on others beliefs.If you hold a belief that is controversial in any way, you should be prepared for others to comment about your belief.

Especially if you are a public figure capitalizing on your image and your beliefs.

Especially if you hold a belief that is rooted in the Old Testament of the Bible.

With the constant pressure of political correctness, we often lose sight of what is real and what is fantasy due to a fear of offending others.

I’m beginning to agree somewhat with Patton Oswalt’s quote above.  What happens when a person’s beliefs are absolutely asinine or wholly unbelievable? Continue reading

Butt Implants & Instagram

lilwaynenickiminajThe other day my 13 year-old daughter was showing me pictures on her Instagram of a girl who posted several before and after pictures of her new butt implants.

She is 14 years old.  Let me repeat that…………… a 14 year-old with butt implants.  Supposedly.

Now, at face value, I didn’t and don’t believe it.

Having three daughters, I can’t even fathom the thought of a parent giving permission for a 14 year-old to have any kind of cosmetic surgery.  I did a quick search online and I don’t even think it’s legal to have it done at that age.  I didn’t care to spend too much time researching, because I really don’t care.

But all that is beside the point.

A girl this age posting pictures of her fake butt implants on Instagram is such a sad commentary on today’s society.  Social media provides an avenue for people to satiate their constant need for attention, and that is not a good thing. Continue reading

god’s Pretty Things (don’t forget about the ugly)

Nature-Wallpaper-Sunset-HD-Desktop-BackgroundThe bright, beautiful blue sky.  The glorious sun setting and disappearing into the ocean.  The glorious full moon and shining stars in the night sky.

A magnificent waterfall cascading over a mountain.  The Grand Canyon.  The “miracle” of childbirth.

Many religious people point to the above items as proof of god’s existence, god creating this incredible planet we live on and god creating all humans in his image.

But what about these things:  A muddy, insect swarming swamp. A tar pit.  A volcano erupting, shooting lava and suffocating every living thing in its path.  A hurricane/typhoon devastating a coastline and destroying lives.

A child stricken with cancer, dying a slow, painful death.  A child bent over a pew, being sodomized by a priest and terrified to tell anyone.  An innocent person struck and killed by lightning.

“It’s a miracle, childbirth is a miracle.  No it’s not.  No more of a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.  It’s a chemical reaction.  That’s all it fucking is.” Bill Hicks

If you are going to believe that god created all the pretty things, you have to believe that he also created all the shitty things too.  It’s only fair.

I’m still waiting for a reasonable explanation from believers as to why so many shitty things happen to good, innocent people.

And don’t tell me it’s “all part of god’s plan,” that’s just total bullshit.

god’s mysterious ways(the devil wins again)

God-Must-Love-Stupid-People_6160-l

I’ve grown so tired of hearing the expression “god works in mysterious ways.” (I never capitalize god, just doesn’t feel right)

Hey god, your mysterious ways confuse me:

….kids dying from cancer

….the kardashians, jean shorts, ebonics

….kids starving throughout the entire world

….tyler perry, duck dynasty, rhianna, mtv

….children being sexually abused, women being raped, female circumcision

….the bible, rednecks, confederate flags, prayers

Holy Shit god- Looks like the DEVIL is kicking your ass and the score is about a trillion to zero.

(I have no problem with people believing in god, but if you are going to believe in god, at least believe that he is indeed a cruel fucking god)

 

Dear Kayne (I’m also bound)

kayneDear Kayne,

Bound- something that limits or restrains (as defined by Merriam Webster’s online dictionary)

When it comes to you, the definition of bound feels incredibly real for me.  When I watched your video, I felt:

bound by the laws of gravity when I wanted to fly as far away from this planet as possible.

bound by the concept of restraint when I wanted to heave my computer screen into the ocean so no one in my home could ever watch that video again.

bound by the limits of fear while I cringed thinking about all the little boys and girls who want to be like you and Kim

bound by the reality that you weren’t the first hip hop dude to fuck Kim on video, that must absolutely kill you

I watched your interview on Ellen and was at first mildly impressed until you went all Kayne and shit and started babbling about how great you were.  I don’t care how many Grammy’s you have.

You know who else won a Grammy?: The Baha Men, Milli Vanilli and Christopher Cross won best album over Pink Floyd’s The Wall in 1981.  Even you would have to admit that the Grammy’s are a bit flawed.

If there is any doubt about your character and inflated view of yourself, here are a couple of quotes that came from your mouth:

“I feel like I’m too busy writing history to read it.” (from www.brainyquote.com)

“I am God’s vessel.  But my greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.” (from www.brainyquote.com)

I’m pretty sure you just redefined the word “DOUCHE BAG”.  Kayne, you are yet another reason why China will win.

Here’s a link to Kayne’s new masterpiece: THE VIDEO FROM HELL

And here’s the hilarious parody video by James Franco and Seth Rogen: SO BRILLIANT