Jude the Hipster Buys Condoms

Well, I enjoy poking fun at hipsters so I decided to start a series of hipster posts about Jude the Hipster and his adventures in every day life.

In this episode, Jude the Hipster buys some condoms.

Characters:

Jude– the Hipster, no description necessary

Sara– the Drug Store Clerk, about 22 years old and very, very average looking.

Fade In:  A typical Walgreens drug store in a slightly urban, but not too urban area.  Jude, wearing corduroys, a super tight shirt that says OBAMA ROCKS and a sporty purple fedora, walks into the store and heads directly to the pharmacy in the back to buy some condoms, but he has several questions for Sara the clerk.

Jude- (with confidence) Hi there.  I was wondering if could answer a couple questions for me about your prophylactic products.

Sara- (a little embarrassed) Sure, I guess.  I will do the best I can.

Jude- (stroking his ironic mustache) Great.  Well, I like to hang out downtown and I drink a lot of craft beer.

Just last night I tried a wonderful Belgian IPA that tasted like hops that only Bavarian Monks could produce.  Anyway, I digress.

Drinking a lot, coupled with my fancy mustache, I always tend to, you know, attract the ladies.  Do you get my drift???

Sara- (feeling uncomfortable)  I guess, what exactly is your question? Continue reading

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A Hipster Being Searched by a TSA Agent

(WARNING: THIS POST MAY BE CONSIDERED RACIALLY INSENSITIVE AND POLITICALLY INCORRECT, BUT THAT’S WHAT I DO BEST.  And by the way, if you’ve ever been to the Atlanta airport, this could be very close to the truth.)

Here’s what happens when a hipster has a layover in the Atlanta Hartsfield International airport on his way to the Wakarusa Music Festival in Ozark, Arizona for some ironic concert fun.

Characters: Jude the Hipster and Lakeesha the TSA Agent

Lakeesha- (appearing disinterested and extremely bothered to actually be at work) Excuuuuuse me Mr. Hairy face with the stupid-ass hat on, step over hear please.  You have been selected for a random search.  My name is Lakeesha and I am a special search agent for the Transportation Security Administration.

Jude- (speaking like he’s ingested a handful of shrooms)  Whoa, I heard about this when I was drinking green tea the other day.  Very trippy, please be gentle, it took me forever to get my hat to sit just right on my head.

Lakeesha- (already getting angry) Green tea????  What in the hell is green tea?

You dumb-ass white folks always trying to drink shit that you think make you healthy.  (laughing) Green tea, HA.  How about some Welch’s Grape, cracker?  That’ll put some hair on yo chest.

How about you take that gay-ass hat off so I can make sure you ain’t got no bombs hidden in your wannabe Bob Marley hair. Continue reading

Eclectic; a hipster conversation

From the Merriam Webster online dictionary- ECLECTIC: (n) one who uses a method or approach that is composed of elements drawn from various sources; one who uses an eclectic method or approach

For the most part, people who use the term “eclectic” really piss me off.  Generally, people who throw this term aimlessly into the air from their PBR stained lips are Hipsters or anyone else attempting to be ironically cool.

They are always trying to sound cooler than the current year they live in.  Let me explain a bit here.  Hipsters never live in the present.

They are either dressing, talking, smelling like they live in a previous era or they are attempting to create a new, futuristic beard/side-burn concoction.

But when the day is over, they are exactly like every other douche bag that is trying overly hard to be cooler than the person across from them drinking an obscure craft beer.

Here’s a small example of how the conversation may go down: (a normal, secure person sparking up a conversation with a Hipster)

     Normal Secure Person: Hi there, what kind of music do you like?

       Hipster: Well, I have a very eclectic taste in music.  I listen to a wide variety of artists, except Top 40 of course.  I don’t like to categorize anything or pigeon hole any artists, that would be unfair to their process. Continue reading

China- Still Winning

reese-witherspoon-cancels-fallon-appearance-after-arrestI argue with people quite often about the current health of American Society.  And when I use the term “health”, I mean the current state of the American people as an educated society.

I poke fun at my country and often say that China is winning.  So today, I went to a website visited daily by millions of Americans just to keep up with current events.

According to TMZ, this is what Americans care about today:

Story 1- Reese Witherspoon’s infamous “you are going to know who I am,” moment.  Ah Reese, so nice to see you putting into practice all that legal knowledge from your Legally Blonde movies.

Apparently, millions of Americans care about a washed-up actress who thinks she’s better than all the sheep who watch her movies.  Your husband was drunk, shut the fuck up and obey the cop.  Newsflash- Georgia cops don’t give a fuck about Hollywood.

Story 2- “Teen Mom Farrah Working Another Pole”  HOLY FUCKING SHIT.  Here is a girl who was on television for breeding too early.  When her tiny pinch of fame began to dissipate, she decided to follow in the steps of Kim Kardashian and make a fuck movie.

BRILLIANT.  Hey America, all you have to do for fame is fuck somebody, video tape it and then pretend you had no idea your bleached asshole was on the internet.

Story 3- Only 3 Words Necessary– LINDSAY…..FUCKING….LOHAN.  I didn’t get past the headline, but I assume it has to do with court, drugs, lawyer and rehab.

In the interest of time, I’m going to stop there because the next stories are essentially a regurgitation of the first ones.  Only the names are different.

So America, don’t bitch when China takes over and we are eating fried golden retriever puppy nuggets, taking rickshaws to work at a factory making cheap, plastic toys for Wal Mart.

I warned you.  China is still winning.

When Bosses Don’t Think

(This happened a while ago when I worked for two bosses who were the absolute biggest idiots in the history of business.)

So this morning my computer was acting unusually slow.  I rebooted and then my email crashed.  I told my boss about it and he told me I probably had too many “windows” open and that’s why it stopped working.

“Hmmm,” I thought to myself.  Too many windows open.

Now, I’m no IT computer genius, but I always thought that Bill Gates created “windows” so that users could open and use multiple windows at one time.  I thought that was the whole marketing gimmick there, but maybe I’m the crazy one. Continue reading

The Whore Gimmick

I’ve been going through my computer and found something I wrote back when Tiger Woods and Jesse James were fucking every woman on the planet.  I’m posting it because it applies nicely to our current society, just insert any celebrity name and the shoe fits.

I noticed that there are tons of groups on Facebook dedicated to calling Jesse James a dick and bashing Tiger Woods.

Thanks to Tiger and Jesse, we now have a new epidemic sweeping the land that I like to call The Whore Gimmick.”  What is it you ask?  Simple, I will explain.

Not only is America the home of the free land of the brave, but it’s also now the home of where any whore can use her tits and pussy to make a quick buck.

Not that being a whore is some new concept, it’s just finally popular and socially acceptable now.   Thank you TMZ, thank you Entertainment Tonight, thanks to every popular web-blog out there who gives these sluts an avenue for making money.

Personally, if I were Tiger or Jesse, I would sue the whores I fucked who are now making money off their dicks for half of the proceeds they make from going public. Continue reading

Nearly Being Raped & Why You Should Wash Your Veggies

(This post is 100% true and based on 100% true events.  I am not making any of this up, nor am I embellishing anything.  That being said……………….)

For work, I used to have to spend a great deal of time performing safety inspections for clients who were farmers and harvesters in Florida.  During the scope of my work one day, I thought I was going to be raped.

I had to go see a client in Labelle, Fl who harvests watermelons.  (Harvest is a more polite word for “pickers”.)

In Florida, we have tons of migrant workers who pick fruit and vegetables for mere pennies.

Anyway, I called the client and he arranged to meet me inside the front gate of the farm.  Typically, a land owner will have several crews harvesting multiple food items on their vast property.

I pulled into the front gate and my client was waiting for me in a large, extended white van.

I walked towards the van and I could see a driver and another man sitting directly behind the passenger seat.  The driver reached over, rolled down the window and told me to get in. Continue reading