As my family prepared his obituary for the local paper, it got me thinking about a couple of things. Have you ever noticed how obituaries are always positive and always portray the dead person as a freaking saint?
Now, this has nothing to do with my grandfather, he actually was a saint and never hurt a soul.
But, I would like to prepare an obituary for a hypothetical dead person who was a real piece of shit.
Billy Ray Bumpkus 1980-2012, from Anytown, USA
Well, we all knew it was coming. Satan finally cashed in Billy Ray’s soul ticket and took him to the depths of hell where he belongs.
We all wondered how it would happen. Hell, the whole family and neighborhood had a death pool going.
Congrats to Billy Ray’s cousin Lula Bell who correctly predicted that he would die by being bitten by his pet Black Mamba named Hitler. $100 to you Lula Bell, well done.
Early Life: Billy Ray was a fairly destructive child. At age 7, while still breastfeeding, he stumbled upon his neighbor’s meth lab and set the entire trailer park on fire when he tried to light a Newport. After that incident, Billy Ray began drinking heavily and became known as the “Trailer Park Firestarter.” Continue reading