what DUH’Merica deserves (no surprises)

(I wrote this during the primary, I feel like it’s spot on and relevant)

Hey Duh’Merica, stop all your damn whining about the Republican candidates.  Just…..fucking…..stop.  This is exactly what you deserve.

TEd-Cruz-ClownThe debates are an absolute circus, the size of which even P.T. Barnum couldn’t ever have imagined.  And the candidates are the clowns that even Bozo would have been proud of.

How can you (Duh’Merica) vote for any of these Bozo’s??

Cruz– he comes off as such a sanctimonious asshole.  He wants more God, doesn’t believe in evolution and thinks gay people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because of Leviticus.donald-trump-caricature

Rubio– never trust anyone from Miami, EVER.  Just like Cruz, he panders to the religious because they are the easiest demographic to fool.

Trump– just an arrogant opportunist who gives bigots a reason to believe their idiocy is acceptable.

Hey Duh’Merica, you get exactly what you deserve.  It’s your fault that the Republican candidates are the white trash version of Cirque du Soleil.

This is what happens when you make millionaires of Kardashians, can’t put down your cellphones and have the attention spans of a 2 year-old.  Maybe do some research and check a fact once in a while.

Stop your fucking whining….. this is exactly what you wanted.  You just haven’t realized it yet.

 

Politicians (dropping your cell phone in the toilet)

phone

(I originally wrote this before the election, still seems relevant and accurate)

As I watch the current politicians all jockeying to fuck Duh’Merica in the ass with no lube, I can’t help but think of something disgusting to compare them to.

They all remind me of a different version of dropping my cell phone in the toilet.

Trump- The phone sinks all the way to the bottom, bouncing off the floater turds, crashing through the loose stool, breaking the bowl because he knows he can buy a new one.

HillaryClintonHillary– The phone does two circles around the bowl; you try to grab it and miss, it circles the bowl again and you still can’t grab it.  Then you realize the phone is actually in a second, private toilet in another room with it’s own private, non-government sanctioned bathroom.

Bernie– The phone yells back at you from under the excrement and it makes you feel horrible for even owning a cell phone.  You fish it out, cut it into several pieces and mail the pieces to those who can’t afford their own cell phone.

Cruz- the phone drops right into the middle of your shit and turns around until all sides are covered.  You fish it out, wash it off judiciously, but it never quite comes clean and leaves a horribly smelly film for the rest of eternity.

Carson- right after it drops into the bowl, you pray as hard as you can and it miraculously jumps out of the toilet, hits you in the forehead and forces you to finally “see the light.”

Rubio- it never actually sinks, just floats around like a raft, dodging the turds like his ancestors dodging sharks in the Florida Straits on their way to America.  (yeah, I know that’s pretty bad)

our president (an easy critique)

(disclaimer: I believe all politicians are shit)

trumpmelbourneI sat through the horrible dung-parade election.  I watched as millions of people in our country decided to let hate rule their lives and their voting reflected that hatred.

The level of idiocy in Duh’Merica is staggering.

 

President Donald J. Trump in a nutshell:

  • He behaves like a terrible ex-husband or ex-wife; when confronted by anyone about anything, he yells at them and tells them they are losers.  If you present him with valid facts that prove he’s dishonest and making shit up, it’s “fake news” and you are an “idiot.”

  • Negotiator in Chief?????? A true negotiator is not someone who does whatever they can to win at all costs.  A true negotiator doesn’t use his/her money and power to get their way.  That’s what a bully does.
  •  Pep Rally President– When everything appears to be spiraling into the toilet, he pretends that he’s on the campaign trail again.  He flew in to Melbourne, FL and talked about how great he is.  How he’s going to make “America Great Again,” to the thunderous applause from a large gaggle of uninformed, delusional right-wing zealots.
  • His Debt– Wouldn’t it be interesting to actually know exactly who our President and his businesses owe money to?  My guess is that it would probably explain his position on Russia and the countries he left off of the travel ban list.

While I’m not a fatalist, our country is in a very bad place right now.  Too many people have let their ignorance and hatred rule their decisions.

Our President is an absolute, fucking joke.  This is what I know to be real.

 

 

Million Hipster March-a new Trump protest

After Jude’s terrible week dealing with being berated by President Trump, Clemmy finally reached out to him. She texted- “Jude, I think I have all of our problems solved, sending u an email now, dearest Clemmy.” Jude finally had a light at the end of the tunnel. He opened the email on his phone immediately: […]

via Million Hipster March (screw Trump) — HipsterStories

Trump replies to a hipster

Dear Hipster Schmuck, Believe it or not, I did read your letter. Well, I had someone read it to me. And I have a few things to tell you. Thanks for not voting for me. I didn’t need your sorry, smelly Hipster vote. You are exactly what’s wrong with this country. You are a perfect […]

via Trump replies to a hipster — HipsterStories

a hipster takes down Trump

Dear Mr. Trump, I’ve sat idly and watched as you have reached out to members of the community; white people, black people, Democrats and Republicans. It deeply saddens me that you have overlooked a significant part of the population who suffers from an extraordinary amount of discrimination. Hipsters. Yes, I repeat……….HIPSTERS. I guess you have […]

via A hipster’s letter to Trump — HipsterStories

A hipster’s letter to Kayne

(Jude writes a mini-column and submits it to his editor at the Hip Page) Dear Kayne, You have really done it now Kayne. When you “fake” interrupted Beck’s acceptance speech at the Grammy’s, you did something that you probably didn’t realize. You stepped, I mean, hurdled over the Hipster Line. Beck has been a stalwart […]

via Jude’s letter to Kayne — HipsterStories