A hunting pastor shot dead (shit tons of irony)

180221-pastor-killed-hunting-feature

You can’t even make this shit up. These poor AR-15’s just can’t catch a break.

A pastor hunting in the North Carolina woods was mistaken for a coyote by another hunter and shot dead.

So much irony here.  How in the hell does a hunter mistake a man for a coyote?  Last time I checked, coyotes are about the size of a medium dog or a small hobbit.

Well done hunter of the year.  Maybe lay of the meth and Mountain Dew before you pull out your AR-15 and start shooting into the woods.

I guess he could always use the “Hobbit Defense” at trial.  “Your honor, I swear it was one of them little, furry hobbit things from Lord of the Rings.  People ’round these parts have been seein’ em for years.  I wanted to be the first to kill one,” said the killer.

Hunter using animal caller is mistaken for coyote and killed

Hunting pastor using animal caller mistaken for coyote, fatally shot

And probably the cruelest irony of this story is this:  Where the fuck was God on this one????  I mean holy shit, you let a Baptist pastor get shot and killed. 

Well, I guess in God’s defense there has been a huge increase in prayers lately from Republicans and the NRA for the families of all the victims of the Parkland, Fl school shooting.

God’s just too damn busy these days.  Keep praying Duh’Merica, keep praying.

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Plastic Parade (a poem)

duck-face-mom-yearA-typical Rolex submariner sits on the dad’s wrist like a beacon of arrival,
his too-tight Ed Hardy tee sticks to his cross fit chest like an extra layer of skin.
those hours in the gym, the broccoli, the grilled chicken, the spinach salads……
Eyes scanning the crowd looking for that 25 year-old who hasn’t yet sunk the botox into her forehead

Wifey to his left, flipping her platinum dyed hair again and again and again
She, looking for someone to make fun of, looking for someone to help her feel better about her collagen duck-faced lips,

her third tit job, her fourth anal bleaching, her fifth affair with a new trainer,Tattoo reads “MILF” along the panty line that only a select 50 or so willing erections get to see.

She, peering at the younger women while licking her lips with the misguided confidence of an American Idol contestant

Continue reading

Red, White and Boo (a poem)

I see your Katie Perry

And I raise you Beyonce.

What ever happened to real art, like the Fat Boys?

Now, just splendid drivel cascading from the youthful mouth

Texting, sexting, pursed lips and Jersey Shore dreams.

Find China on a map? Fuck You, I’m getting my nails done at 3.

Be careful young ones, the noodles and puppy nuggets are coming to a store near you.

I see your E Hollywood News

And raise you Dancing With the Stars.

Posting every mundane bit of your daily shit for all to see

Facebook, Twitter, MySpace your freaking life away

My eyes, dried and burnt from your “Do you like me?” poll.

Keep your pom poms clean and your cell phone charged.

I see your De-evolution

And go all in with your soul

Shouldn’t be difficult to call my bet

You are another failed demographic, another vapid target market.

Scenes from a Waiting Room

Act I. (the elderly)
Old, musty ass wrinkled seniors wearing bad track suits, their lifeless, aged skin scarred with purple gum colored splotches hanging from their bones like loose sleeves,
a cell phone rings deep inside a purse underneath the dentures and coupons, by the time the old lady realized it was ringing, silence

Act II. (the soccer mom)
Frost dyed hair, way too tight Hollister shirt, tight faded jeans with pocket designs, elastic fake tits shaped into perfect round globes, husband at work banging his secretary who has even faker tits, but younger body
wife doesn’t care as long as she gets Starbucks 3 times daily,the phat mommy suburban with the cutesy family stickers on the back window showing how many people are in the family, the glowing quarter sized diamond earrings and the trips to Vail, easy to have no soul than to deal with reality

Act III. (the salesmen)
Bad cuff links that even gay dudes wouldn’t wear, fake ass smile accompanied by even faker greetings, slick gelled guido-like hair stuck to their scalps with paste, belts crushed by doughnut stomachs,
calling names like cattle and branding the innocents with fees

Act IV. (me)
Three freaking hours waiting for tires, brought a Bukowski book, could only imagine what he would have thought
I couldn’t stop staring, couldn’t finish reading, couldn’t play games on my cell phone, I just kept watching the train wreck evolve with every new person who came into the waiting room, no blood or body parts, crap.

Hurricane Irma- it’s nature dumb assess

I’m a native Floridian and just experienced Hurricane Irma firsthand.  I was very fortunate; no damage at my home and I was lucky enough not to lose power.   Hell,  I didn’t even lose my satellite television signal.

I am continually amazed at all of the fucking moronic posts on social media regarding the hurricane.  So much damn praying, so much bitching, so much illogical reasoning.

Take a look at this picture that was shared multiple times:

irmaheartPeople actually rejoiced that this split-second satellite image appears to show a heart.

Here’s a quote from someone on one of my social media feeds, “Powerful Hurricanes continue to unleash devastating winds and rain … But the strongest force in Nature is LOVE ❤️

Holy fuck, I’m sure this person sends tons of money to some asshole televangelist.

I can’t believe that people post shit like this.  Love has nothing to do with natural disasters.  Absolutely nothing.

And neither does praying.  If praying was real and actually affected real life, then what about the poor people who were destroyed by this hurricane?  I guess they didn’t pray hard enough.

It’s a natural disaster, nothing can stop it and nothing can change it.  They’ve been happening since the beginning of time and will continue to happen until the Earth is fucking gone.

People have become so fucking stupid it blows my mind.

And now there are tons of people in Florida who don’t have power and you should hear all of them bitching at once about not having air conditioning.  It’s fucking nauseating.

A random, malnourished 7 year-old boy in Africa was asked how he felt about all the people in Florida who didn’t have working air conditioners:

“What the hell is an air conditioner?  And what is electricity?  Excuse me, I have to chase down that hyena over there and collect his urine so I can have something to drink this week,” said the boy.

 

The Kim Jong Un weather machine problem

kimjongAccording to sources very, very close to President Trump, the White House is Deeply concerned about Hurricane Harvey and the recent uptick in bad weather torturing the United States.

About 5 days before Hurricane Harvey made landfall, The Trump administration received a nasty email from North Korea promising massive weather destruction to the United States.

“It has come to our attention that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has created a giant disastrous, American killing weather machine,” said an anonymous White House staffer.

hurricaneThe anonymous White House staffer went on to say, “I mean when you have a Category 500 hurricane like Harvey, who else could have created it?  This is the worst hurricane in the history of weather.  There has already been at least 430 inches of rainfall in the past 12 hours.”

Even more sources close to the President have said that Trump is considering building a giant wall of coal-powered hair dryers to set up along the entire United States coast to keep more bad weather from destroying us.

“We will build a giant wall of those hair-dryer things, that get really hot, really fast that will protect our borders.  Kim Jong Un’s weather machine must be stopped.  These hair-dryers will be coal powered (creating about 250 million new jobs) and will truly make America great again,” said Trump.

He later added that, “Obama’s lack of attention to North Korea for the past eight years is the exact reason why this horrible, horrible weather machine was created.  Oh, and Hillary deleting emails,” said Trump.

We can only hope that our Dear Leader Trump can protect us from Kim Jong Un……… we can only hope.

P.S. We attempted unsuccessfully to attain a quote from Mike Pence regarding the weather machine.  We were told he was unable to speak with our female reporter over the phone due to “promiscuity concerns.”