A Fear of Public Toilets

“I’ve always thought that the stereotype of the dirty old man is really the creation of a dirty young man who wants the field to himself.” Hugh Downs

When I was a little kid from about the ages of 6-10, my dad used to take me to Tampa Bay Bucs football games.

I loved football and it was great father/son bonding, but this is where my fear of public bathrooms originated.

I will never forget having to pee, I mean I was a little kid and probably pissed quite a bit.  My dad would walk with me into the bathroom and as I walked in the door a giant, aluminum trough was staring back at me.

There were no urinals on the wall with nice privacy dividers.  There was only the enormous trough up against the wall packed with several men standing shoulder to shoulder in various stages of alcoholic inebriation.  Continue reading

The Best Dream Ever

It starts with me walking down a poorly lit hallway with several doors on each side, some cracked open and some closed.  I want to look in each door, but something is making me nervous to look.  But I look anyway.

The first door is numbered 666 and I open it.  There is a huge bed in the middle of the room and I see Rush Limbaugh dressed like a catholic school girl and he has black mascara dripping down his bulbous cheeks like he’s been crying.  He looks at me with his God-Fearing eyes and points to the corner.

In the corner there are two Filipino adult midgets tied together with ball-gags in their mouths, smiling and sitting on top of a very worn out Twister board.

Then out of the closet, Justin Beiber runs out dressed in a lederhosen t-back carrying a crystal magic wand.  He flips his hair, points the wand at Rush and says, “Lady-Boy Alive.”  Immediately Rush grows HHH titties and starts giggling like he’s on laughing gas.

He gets down on all fours on the edge of the bed and Justin mounts him and starts riding him like a donkey.  Rush squeals and Justin just keeps flipping his hair.  Then Usher appears with a video camera and starts taping the whole thing and tells me he’s going to put it on You Tube.

I’m starting to feel a little weird about everything so I try to help the Filipino midgets get untied.

They start blowing me kisses, so I run out of the room and slam the door shut.  At the end of the hallway I see my 5th grade teacher standing next to a urinal and she says, “I told you that you wouldn’t amount to anything.”  I wake up and realized I pissed myself, again.

Because Male Hygiene is Important

(I’m re-posting this for my new friends who may have missed it, enjoy)

Medicated Powder.   I don’t know about you, but I am always cognizant of maintaining my male hygiene.

It’s something my father taught me when I was child.  “Son, there is nothing worse than a guy with a stinky crotch,” he used to tell me.

When I was about 12 years old, while most fathers were teaching their young boys about sex education, my father took me to Walgreens to introduce me to my first medicated powder.  I remember that day like it was yesterday.

We walked into the store and headed directly to the back where all the powders were kept next to the Vaseline, lubricants and condoms. (back then, condoms weren’t locked up)

The pharmacist asked my father if we needed any help.  “No thanks buddy, just buying my son some crotch powder.  He’s about that age now,” he said with a proud smile.  I looked straight down and wanted to jump off a bridge.

I didn’t want anyone to think that I had a smelly crotch.  I was praying that I didn’t see anyone from my school in the store.  It was one thing to be the shy kid or the new kid at school; but the kid with the smelly crotch, that would surely lead to me becoming a serial killer one day. Continue reading

Toilet Etiquette

(I’m reposting this because it’s one of my favorites and I think I’ve lost some viewers since I changed the name of my blog)

One of the most important things in our everyday lives is going to the bathroom. Amazingly, this is something that most people neglect and take for granted. So, I wrote this post to help inform others on how to go to the bathroom effectively. (this applies to men and women)

When To Go Tinkle?
Well, normally you will feel a tickling sensation or pressure in your bladder area.

This can range from a subtle nudging feeling to a downright burning, “OMG, it’s time to go” feeling. The OMG feeling is usually present while drinking at bars. Continue reading

Random Product Endorsement- GLIDE

I’ve always dreamed of a cool company wanting me to endorse their product.  Well, I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon, so I will endorse one for them.

I live in Florida, it’s hot all the time, I have Scotch-Irish skin and I chafe.  That’s right, I’m not afraid to admit it.  Hello, my name is Duh’Merica and my inner thighs around my ball-sac chafes.

So, after years of keeping Gold Bond in business, a good friend of mine introduced me to Body Glide. (By the way, their website fucking rocks)

It was like Moses parting the Red Sea, like unicorns fucking in the summer sky, like a mountain of free Philly cheese-steaks, etc.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that product is incredible.  It’s essentially a deodorant stick and so easy to “glide” on.

Every morning I take a shower, dry off and then glide my ball sac and the areas around it.

I can do my 45 minute cardio without any chafing.  I can go to the beach and no unwanted “sandy” rashes.  I can have hot, sweaty sex with my wife without the fear of having to reach down between my legs to itch and remove my balls from the side of my legs.

I still use Gold Bond, but only as a complimentary powder for those extra sweaty days.

So, hey people who work for Body Glide, call me sometime and send me a free case.

There are tons of men in the world who go through life not realizing that their chafing problems could be so easily cured.

My Embarrassing Public Toilet Story (full version)

(This is the full version of my earlier nomination story inspired by howtodateboys)

A few years ago when I was newly dating my girlfriend (she’s my wife now), we went to our downtown area for drinks and dinner.

We went to a newer tapas restaurant and sat at the bar.  I drank a couple Heinekens while my wife had a couple liquor drinks.  We ordered a few of their tapas selections and started eating.

Then, out of nowhere, I felt a pain in my stomach that almost knocked me off my bar stool.  Although there was loud music playing in the bar area, I think everyone in the place could hear the rumble inside my belly.  It was like a mini-gastric-earthquake ripping through my body.

I knew I had to get to a bathroom within about 5 minutes or I was going to basically shit myself.

Now, if you’ve read my blog before you know that I’m not exactly a huge fan of public restrooms and I was doing every mental exercise I could to trick my stomach from unloading.

And I also was still in the somewhat new “dating” phase with my soon to be wife and needed to remain cool and un-sweaty.

But, the fecal gods had an entirely different plan for me that night.  As a couple beads of sweat started trickling down my forehead, I ordered water.  Continue reading

Mandatory Sterilization (Yep, I said it)

I am a proponent of mandatory sterilization and here is why: (my true feelings mixed with some humor)

I believe that some people should not be allowed to breed.  For example, a while ago a mother left her two infant children alone in a bath tub while she was outside on her patio surfing the web.

Solution easy– tie her tubes, she shouldn’t be allowed to have any more children and take the one surviving child away from her.

Anytime a mother or father does something this stupid, they should lose their breeding privileges and they should be sterilized.  Why should they be allowed the potential to harm any more children?  Makes no sense to me.

I mean when someone gets a few DUI’s or speeding tickets, the government takes your license away.  Why not sterilize then?  If a parent makes 2 idiotic life threatening mistakes in respect to their children, bring out the scalpel.

“But I didn’t think little Skeeter would get hurt if I locked him inside the house with my 3 pit bulls while I was out buying lotto tickets and getting another case of Natural Lite Ice, he is 3 years old now.”

Sorry dip-shit, put your feet in the stirrups, it’s time to get neutered.

I know what you are thinking…….“but surely there will be opposition from the people you are wanting to sterilize.”

Of course there will be opposition, but that’s an easy fix.  All you have to do is offer them cases of Mountain Dew, Benson & Hedges cigs, barrels of ranch dressing, gift certificates to Dollar General, or free tanning coupons.  That should do the trick.

“I didn’t know that if I left Betty Lou locked in the car while I ran into Cato looking for stirrup pants that she could get injured.  I mean I even turned the car off and rolled up the windows so as to make sure the engine didn’t make her hot.  It was only 95 degrees out.  I really needed them stirrup pants anyhow, I had to try on 4 pairs, I was only gone 45 minutes.”

Sorry miss, put your feet in the stirrups, it’s time to harvest your uterus.

Seriously, there are plenty of people who shouldn’t be allowed to breed.  Sterilization seems like a great idea to me.  Any thoughts??