About DUH'Merica

"The only way to fix it is to flush it all away. Any fucking time. Any fucking day. Learn to swim, I'll see you down in Arizona Bay." Tool I'm a writer, I'm an atheist, I'm a social commentator.

Rest Areas Trip Me Out

Always an old creepy white guy loitering near the stalls, waiting for someone to take a shit, waiting to wave his wrinkled hand under the divider, hoping someone will wave back, suck him off or play with his old balls.

Why can’t old gay dudes just go to a gay bar, find someone there to fuck, find someone there to touch their taint?

Always a carni-worker, sweeping up trash, wearing a stale, brown outfit, looking sadly at the life that passed him by.  Putting up the chain on one of the two bathroom entrances, “this side closed for service“, so he can mop up the misguided piss, clean up the old man jizz, throw away the leftover shit stained scraps of toilet paper stuck to the cold concrete floors, flush the un-flushed toilets and then do the same to the other side.

Always a security guard with a heavy flashlight, stupid ass tight uniform pants, leaning like a slack-ass against a 1992 Subaru, using a dime to scratch off another $2 lottery ticket, almost a winner, just one more $ in the winning row and he can move to Florida and fish every day.  Another Marlboro Red to discard to the ground, squished by his Wal-Mart boots.  He’s not really securing anything, just shining his flashlight at the cars looking for some glimpse of tit.

Always me, paying $1.25 for a pack of M&M’s and $1.75 for a Mountain Dew.  Damn, I wonder if the old creepy white guy at least uses KY before fucking, these damn machines sure don’t.

what DUH’Merica deserves (no surprises)

(I wrote this during the primary, I feel like it’s spot on and relevant)

Hey Duh’Merica, stop all your damn whining about the Republican candidates.  Just…..fucking…..stop.  This is exactly what you deserve.

TEd-Cruz-ClownThe debates are an absolute circus, the size of which even P.T. Barnum couldn’t ever have imagined.  And the candidates are the clowns that even Bozo would have been proud of.

How can you (Duh’Merica) vote for any of these Bozo’s??

Cruz– he comes off as such a sanctimonious asshole.  He wants more God, doesn’t believe in evolution and thinks gay people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because of Leviticus.donald-trump-caricature

Rubio– never trust anyone from Miami, EVER.  Just like Cruz, he panders to the religious because they are the easiest demographic to fool.

Trump– just an arrogant opportunist who gives bigots a reason to believe their idiocy is acceptable.

Hey Duh’Merica, you get exactly what you deserve.  It’s your fault that the Republican candidates are the white trash version of Cirque du Soleil.

This is what happens when you make millionaires of Kardashians, can’t put down your cellphones and have the attention spans of a 2 year-old.  Maybe do some research and check a fact once in a while.

Stop your fucking whining….. this is exactly what you wanted.  You just haven’t realized it yet.

 

Politicians (dropping your cell phone in the toilet)

phone

(I originally wrote this before the election, still seems relevant and accurate)

As I watch the current politicians all jockeying to fuck Duh’Merica in the ass with no lube, I can’t help but think of something disgusting to compare them to.

They all remind me of a different version of dropping my cell phone in the toilet.

Trump- The phone sinks all the way to the bottom, bouncing off the floater turds, crashing through the loose stool, breaking the bowl because he knows he can buy a new one.

HillaryClintonHillary– The phone does two circles around the bowl; you try to grab it and miss, it circles the bowl again and you still can’t grab it.  Then you realize the phone is actually in a second, private toilet in another room with it’s own private, non-government sanctioned bathroom.

Bernie– The phone yells back at you from under the excrement and it makes you feel horrible for even owning a cell phone.  You fish it out, cut it into several pieces and mail the pieces to those who can’t afford their own cell phone.

Cruz- the phone drops right into the middle of your shit and turns around until all sides are covered.  You fish it out, wash it off judiciously, but it never quite comes clean and leaves a horribly smelly film for the rest of eternity.

Carson- right after it drops into the bowl, you pray as hard as you can and it miraculously jumps out of the toilet, hits you in the forehead and forces you to finally “see the light.”

Rubio- it never actually sinks, just floats around like a raft, dodging the turds like his ancestors dodging sharks in the Florida Straits on their way to America.  (yeah, I know that’s pretty bad)

The Terrible EX (our president)

madtrumpTrump falsely claimed that his victory was “the biggest electoral college win since Ronald Reagan.”  When reporter Peter Alexander called him out on this, Trump stumbled; talked about campaign promises and did everything he could to skirt the critique.

Our President- so elegant, so polished and so prepared (sarcasm).  Doesn’t this type of behavior sound familiar???

Back in January when CNN reporter Jim Acosta tried to ask a question at a press conference, this is how our “leader” responded:

“Your organization is terrible.” Don’t be rude.  I’m not going to give you a question.  You are fake news,” before taking a question from a Breitbart reporter.  Doesn’t this type of behavior sound familiar???

In the interest of brevity, I won’t list the numerous other times our “leader” has acted in this manner.

I’m not surprised at all that Trump decries fake news only when it suits him.  He absolutely loved the fake news that millions of Duh’Mericans spread on social media that helped him win the election.

This is exactly what the Terrible Ex-Husband/Wife does; deny everything that makes them look bad.  Call everyone who criticizes them a name.   If you attempt to show them that they are incorrect, they call you another name and tell you ten other things they are great at.

Sadly, our President and “leader” of the free world is that Terrible Ex-Husband/Wife who we all can’t stomach.

But Trump is absolutely brilliant at one thing; Exploiting the poorly educated, narrow-minded, delusional bigots who love the catchy headline that fits their respective narratives.

This is Duh’Merica and Trump is King of the Duh’Mericans.

And unfortunately, you can never fully get rid of that Terrible Ex.  Never.

our president (an easy critique)

(disclaimer: I believe all politicians are shit)

trumpmelbourneI sat through the horrible dung-parade election.  I watched as millions of people in our country decided to let hate rule their lives and their voting reflected that hatred.

The level of idiocy in Duh’Merica is staggering.

 

President Donald J. Trump in a nutshell:

  • He behaves like a terrible ex-husband or ex-wife; when confronted by anyone about anything, he yells at them and tells them they are losers.  If you present him with valid facts that prove he’s dishonest and making shit up, it’s “fake news” and you are an “idiot.”

  • Negotiator in Chief?????? A true negotiator is not someone who does whatever they can to win at all costs.  A true negotiator doesn’t use his/her money and power to get their way.  That’s what a bully does.
  •  Pep Rally President– When everything appears to be spiraling into the toilet, he pretends that he’s on the campaign trail again.  He flew in to Melbourne, FL and talked about how great he is.  How he’s going to make “America Great Again,” to the thunderous applause from a large gaggle of uninformed, delusional right-wing zealots.
  • His Debt– Wouldn’t it be interesting to actually know exactly who our President and his businesses owe money to?  My guess is that it would probably explain his position on Russia and the countries he left off of the travel ban list.

While I’m not a fatalist, our country is in a very bad place right now.  Too many people have let their ignorance and hatred rule their decisions.

Our President is an absolute, fucking joke.  This is what I know to be real.

 

 

a question for “christians”

(Disclaimer: I think all politicians are self-serving, pieces of shit)

angry_trump_0Of all the incredible events from the election and our revelations from our now President Trump, one thing has truly baffled me:

How in the hell can Christians, from evangelicals to the mild believer, have voted for Trump?  How in the context of the Bible was that even possible?

I feel like Trump embodies several characteristics that most churches throughout our country view as abhorrent and very non-Christ like.  There are numerous biblical verses that provide examples of this, below are a few of my favorites:

“For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing.” James 3:16

“He who separates himself seeks his own desire, he quarrels against all sound wisdom.” Proverbs 18:1

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves.” Philippians 2:3

Again, I ask all Christians….. How could you have voted for Trump?  How?  How?  I honestly want to know.  I want to hear how you justify it.

As I’m left to form my own opinions about this, I have to speculate.   It appears to me that your hatred of the other candidates, which is highly un-biblical, led you to “settle” for Trump.

Or was is because Trump picked an evangelical VP in Mike Pence???  Do you really think Pence will be able to calm Trump down?  Seriously???

I am honestly asking for Christians to comment on this post and help me understand this.  Please comment.  I promise I will only engage in intelligent discourse.  I’m not writing this post to fight, I truly want to understand.

Cheers

 

 

Million Hipster March-a new Trump protest

After Jude’s terrible week dealing with being berated by President Trump, Clemmy finally reached out to him. She texted- “Jude, I think I have all of our problems solved, sending u an email now, dearest Clemmy.” Jude finally had a light at the end of the tunnel. He opened the email on his phone immediately: […]

via Million Hipster March (screw Trump) — HipsterStories