Sarcasm has kept me alive for years now.  Comedy has been my favorite defense mechanism as I trample through this life.  Tom Merica is not my real name, you can call me whatever you want.

On a more serious note, I’m worried that Americans have become so lazy that China will eventually win and we will all be eating Fried Golden Retriever Nuggets and noodles in the near future.

If you would like to hire me to write for you, I will gladly work for about $100,000 per year, remotely of course.



61 thoughts on “Me

  1. We seem to be somewhere on the same page; for some time I’ve figured we’re likely to be speaking MANDARIN – sooner than most realize – if we don’t drag our asses out of the static ’14TH place’ rating among the Global ranks of Education.

  2. Yes my people will force dog nuggets down your throat! (But lucky for you, we’ve cut down on eating dogs. They’re a faithful friend and a loyal pet.) Though thanks to Mickey Ds, KFC, Pizza Hut, Starbucks, etc, the newly 1/5 obese Chinese person (in cities) will work at a slower pace than before.

    Noodles aren’t so bad 🙂

  3. Thanks for confirming what I knew was going to happen Emily He. You see, that’s America’s plan, fatten the Chinese up so they become lazy. Brilliant.

    You may be right Quieter Elephant, how about boiled first, then put on the smoker for about 8 hours, tasty.

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  5. Well it seems Mr. Mary beat me to it, but I couldn’t resist “tagging” you too. Don’t feel pressured to answer my questions, though. Just accept the “tag” 🙂

    And wowee, you are quite the mr.popularity these days! look at all those awards! well-deserved! congrats!

  6. @mary -thanks again my man. Sorry I’ve been nonexistent lately, just got back from vacation and started a new job so I’ve neglected my blog lately. Will get back on it soon.

    @flamidwye: thanks so much, I appreciate it.

    @emily: thanks as always Emily, I appreciate it.

  7. Hi there,

    Just checking out your blog for the first time. Great stuff! Love Hey Tourist. Being from a small seaport village in New England and working at tourist trap pizza place made famous by a movie for nearly two decades I totally get it.

    I guess it’s kind of ironic that I’m living life on the road now. But I’ll do my best to never act like an asshole tourist. Thanks for the reminder.

    Looking forward to reading more! 🙂

  8. Stumbled here through Susie Lindau’s page. After reading 10 or so posts, you hooked me. Good stuff man.

    I ate at the Grand China Buffet a while back. They looked up to something…

  9. @sosdifferentday: Thanks for stopping by and reading, I do appreciate it. I’m always happy to entertain and make someone laugh. My dad’s family is from up there, Mattapoisett Mass and my cousins worked in a place like that, made me laugh that they got to experience it too. I find it’s just always best to be overly polite, that’s what I try unless someone else is the giant asshole, then game on. Thanks again.

    @Corey: I’m glad you enjoy my stuff, thanks for reading and stopping by. I enjoy Susie’s page, glad you found me through her, very cool. Grand China Buffet, sounds suspicious to me…………..

  10. I just happened to find your blog, and i find it absolutely delicious.
    Being sarcastic about ‘Murica’s politics & half-breeded rednecks is one of my favourite occupations. (Me ? French ? Of course no.. :). Great sense of humour about yourself. I have an “average” dick too.

    Keep writing and good night !

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  12. If I make you eggs, the muffin tin type, will you help me learn to be sarcastic? ‘Cause I’m serious about this: I can’t do sarcasm. I think I’m missing the gene. All my friends laugh about this. They say it’s in the tone, and I keep a happy tone when I do it. chuckling. I love your writing. Thanks for following me.

    • Sounds like a deal. Over time, my sarcasm developed as a defense mechanism in social situations. It can be a huge hindrance sometimes, so don’t be sad that you can’t do sarcasm. A happy tone is a good thing. Thanks for reading and thanks for the compliment, I do appreciate it.

  13. Awesome, I found you again. Lost track where you were writing those letters to your kids, lookin’ forward to checking out this site. Cheers buddy. REDdog

  14. Morning. I did an oops this morning. You commented on one of my posts, I approved it then as I was writing my response on my phone my thumb accidently brushed the delete button. I couldn’t stop the process! 😦 I’m sorry.

  15. HI, DUH’Merica. Thanks so much for checking me out through Susie Lindau–I’m fairly new to her place but isn’t she the best blogger cheerleader ever? I do appreciate you following me very much! Your stuff is funny, I will come back and visit soon!
    Write on,

    Ermigal 🙂

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