god, guns & ranch dressing (the redneck price)

redneck(I wrote this a while ago, but feel it still applies)

I’m American and most of the time I feel lucky to be free.  But that freedom comes with a huge price……….. a huge, redneck price.  And it can be broken down concisely into three categories:

GOD– Holy shit does America love god.  No matter what you do, it’s nearly impossible to escape this “magician in the sky.”  “Keep Christ in Christmas,” has become the most popular tattoo in the south.  (p.s. body mutilation does not apply to rednecks)

GUNS– Dear Rednecks, shut up, no one is going to take your guns away.  Hell, it just wouldn’t be fair if you couldn’t buy a machine gun to defend your double-wide trailer.  Forget the guns, you should really be worrying about your pet pythons and venomous snake collection.

RANCH DRESSING– Pizza, chicken nuggets, cheeseburgers, pasta, spam, pork rinds, left over Golden Corral, snickers bars………… just a few of the many foods Rednecks like to dip in Ranch Dressing before chasing it down with a 2 liter of Mountain Dew.  You know Ranch Dressing is a serious problem when you can buy a case of it at the local tanning salon.

In conclusion; forget the above three items.  You (rednecks) are correct, Obama was born in Kenya and he has ruined this country.  It has nothing to do with your inbreeding (see the Avery family of Making a Murderer), or your belief that Earth is only a few thousand years old.  Praise god, load your guns and please continue to play Ranch Dressing Pong while telling that story about your alien abduction.

Cheers, Duh’Merica

(P.S.S. China wins again)

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