Jesus Went to Supercuts

photo-15So, a nice old Jehovah woman rang my doorbell today and handed me the above pamphlet.  She was not pushy at all, but rather just invited me to come get all my questions answered about Jesus. She didn’t even give me any Watchtower hand-outs, I was shocked. I thanked her and closed the door.

Of course most people find Jehovah Witnesses incredibly annoying and I generally find myself feeling that way too.  But after looking at this beautiful depiction of Jesus, I began to think about Jehovahs in a different light.

Apparently, they have become marketing geniuses.  I mean holy shit, check out Rico Suave Jesus in the picture above.  His beard is trimmed, his hair is cut in a nice 1982 type of style that nearly every white-bred human could appreciate.  He looks like he just had a cut and shampoo at Supercuts.

He’s reaching his hand out towards the reader as if to say, “Hey brother, I died for your sins.  Look how non-threatening and clean I appear.  I would never steal from you.  I would never hurt you in any way, unless of course you are a homosexual, then you should really fuck off.  I am your savior.”

(please note; this is not an actual historic quote from Jesus, this is just sarcasm and hyperbole.)

I have to give the Jehovah’s credit here.  Job well done on re-marketing Jesus.  But the whole problem is that the bull shit you are selling is just that, BULL SHIT.

You can make Jesus as pure-white-bred as you want, but it doesn’t erase the fact that religion is pretty much bull shit.  I would rather Jesus look like Old Dirty Bastard, at least that way he would be interesting.


8 thoughts on “Jesus Went to Supercuts

  1. I was in a church recently at a funeral. There was a huge poster of a “coke add” kind of guy hanging up, asking if you had ever considered a life with the church. A very elderly grey haired priest arrived on the altar to say the mass. My friend looked at him and then at me and asked could we report them for false advertising? Maybe it shows the coming together of the catholics and jehovahs,similar marketing plan.

    • I think it’s amazing how important marketing is becoming with religion. It’s almost like “Hollywoodizing” Jesus. I’m an atheist, but I am continually intrigued at how religion functions in our society.

      • Jesus doesn’t wash with me either, but my husband lives in hope I’ll see the light! I’m amazed at the number of religious blogs. I thought Ireland was quite a religious country but we are way behind america. Happy blogging!

  2. At one point this ‘religion’ once known as the ISBA (International society of bible students) had a small civil war over leadership after its founder Charles Taze Russell a 33rd degree Free Mason passed away. His second in command had a strong years long legal battle against those that Russel had appointed as his succesors. This second in command eventually won this legal argument and had all of the ‘Russelites’​ removed with a hired police force from all ISBA premises. In order to distance this printing company (because that is literaly ​what the Watchtower is) from its former leader, Rutherford began banning all sort of previous practices from the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society LLC printing company. He would change the name of this reading group to Jehovahs Witnesses and start implementing the most unchristian rules that would eventually snowball to the tight thought control group it is today. At one point, not only was Jesus clean shaven in their publications, because Jesus would never have a ‘worldly’ beard, but also blonde and blue eyed​. Steve Hassan has a wonderful book Combating Cult Mind Control, which can help any who are struggling to break away.

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