I’m a parent, so I feel qualified to deliver this rant. Some parents should never have been allowed to breed. I’m going to attempt to offend as many ethnicities as possible. You are welcome in advance.
Hey White Trash Parents (this also applies to Rednecks), they are called “socks”, please put them on your children when you leave the house. Children with dirty, 7-11 feet become adults with dirty, 7-11 feet.
What parenting book did you read that said it was alright to take your children to Wal-Mart with bare feet in a diaper? Shit, my bad, I actually insinuated that you have read a book. Silly me.
And look, it’s not alright to keep breastfeeding your 8 year-old just because you ran out of Mountain Dew.
And by the way, make sure you keep your 12 foot python’s cage locked, it’s plenty big enough to gobble up half of your family…… unless of course your pit bull gets them first.
Hey Black Mamma (sorry, but the dad’s are rarely around and that’s not my fault), put your shoe back on stop throwing it at little Tyrone as he runs around the meat market looking for the pickled pigs feet.
On second thought, keep throwing that shoe at him, that will help him become the next Barry Sanders. If he can dodge that crusty, biscuit-heeled shoe you keep throwing at him, he will get that football scholarship.
And please stop letting him listen to Lil’ Wayne. You do realize that little Tyrone is only 6 years-old and he’s too young to learn about bitches, hoes, blunts and macking, don’t you???
And NO, NO, NO, he’s not old enough yet to stay home alone while you go downtown to the swap meet for 6 hours on Sunday.
And how about taking the Welch’s Grape away from him and give him a bottle of water once in a while. Only you can stop the dirty stereotypes.
Hey Rich-White-Soccer Mom, Are you seriously still dressing your children in Polo shirts? You do realize that spending $40 on a kids shirt is fucking ridiculous, don’t you?
They will grow out of it by the time your husband fucks his secretary again. And could you please ease up with all the “My Kid is Better Than Your Kid” bumper stickers all over the back of your Cadillac Escalade.
No one really gives a shit about your kid except you.
And the answer is “NO”, your kid isn’t always right, his teachers are actually correct when they tell you that your child exhibits characteristics of selfishness and acts like his shit doesn’t stink. He gets that from you and your narcissistic husband.
In your effort to financially outpace your neighbors, you’ve taught him that Louis Vitton, Cadillac and Polo are more important than caring about your fellow man.
And hey, ease up on the Botox and plastic surgery, the next time you smile your mouth may swallow your head. You can’t surgical hide the fact that you have no soul.
Hey Asian Mom, Look, we are trying to reduce some of these stereotypes here. Could you please let your kid skip a violin lesson once in a while?
And what’s the deal with your fourth grader already acing fucking Calculus? I know classical music and math are important, but damn, you are making all of the rest of the kids look even dumber than they are, and they are pretty damn stupid.
It’s ok to let your kid go outside and play ball or hide and seek once in a while. It’s ok to stop making your kid read War and Peace, it’s damn boring and way too long.
And you know what, as much as I deplore sitcoms, it’s ok to let your kid watch Nick at Night, your kid actually needs that.
Don’t worry, your kid will still kick the SAT test’s ass and will still get in to Harvard, even if you let him go to the school dance.
Come on, take your kid to McDonald’s. Seriously though, your people of the rising sun are going to take over America anyway.