10 things I’ve learned about Duh’Merica after the Iowa caucus
- The state of Iowa– It’s the only time in four years that anyone gives two shits about Iowa. Corn, bibles, obese……….. rinse and repeat. The rest of Duh’Merica doesn’t really care about you.
- Ted Cruz – he has Jesus on his side, which is a good thing for him because he looks like a guy who has 3 Filipino boys tied up in his basement waiting for “daddy” to come home. Take off you hoser.
- Ben Carson -I thought he was Handi-Man from In Living Color. Can there be a candidate who is any less interesting, any less charismatic, or any less “I want to slit my wrists while you talk,” than Ben???? Keep praying buddy.
- Hilary -The Pant Suite Parade marches on….barely. I swear she is Old Yeller incarnate. Somebody should take her out back and……………..
- Trump– Whatever. They need to show his hot daughter Ivanka more, she’s got my vote.
- Bernie– he’s the crazy, old neighbor you have who won’t stop pissing in your yard. At least Larry David gets to be on SNL more because of him.
- Sarah Palin– Is it Tina Fey? Is it Sarah? Is it Tina? Is it Sarah? Life imitating art in the worst way possible. When it talks, white men over the age of 55 take Cialis while the rest of the world cringes in a deep, deep fear.
- Marco Rubio– Hello world, don’t forget he’s from Miami…..the land where nothing is real and everyone is a scam. The skeletons in his closet are many and will rise from the dead very soon.
- The Media– nothing pleases me more than attractive, well dressed “journalists” repeatedly saying the word CAUCUS. Pure bliss.
- Duh’Merica– You keep slobbering over politicians who are nothing more than gigantic caricatures of themselves. Not one of them actually gives a shit about you, not a single one. Thanks a lot, China wins again. In the spirit of Iowa, I will order a side of corn with my Golden Retriever low mein.