The First Honest Obituary

Recently, my grandfather passed away at the age of 88.  I won’t bore you with the details.  He was a great man, lived a great life and he died.  That’s just life.

As my family prepared his obituary for the local paper, it got me thinking about a couple of things.  Have you ever noticed how obituaries are always positive and always portray the dead person as a freaking saint?

Now, this has nothing to do with my grandfather, he actually was a saint and never hurt a soul.

But, I would like to prepare an obituary for a hypothetical dead person who was a real piece of shit.

Billy Ray Bumpkus 1980-2012, from Anytown, USA

Well, we all knew it was coming.  Satan finally cashed in Billy Ray’s soul ticket and took him to the depths of hell where he belongs.

We all wondered how it would happen.  Hell, the whole family and neighborhood had a death pool going.

Congrats to Billy Ray’s cousin Lula Bell who correctly predicted that he would die by being bitten by his pet Black Mamba named Hitler.  $100 to you Lula Bell, well done.

Early Life:  Billy Ray was a fairly destructive child.  At age 7, while still breastfeeding, he stumbled upon his neighbor’s meth lab and set the entire trailer park on fire when he tried to light a Newport.  After that incident, Billy Ray began drinking heavily and became known as the “Trailer Park Firestarter.”

Mid-Life: At the ripe young age of 12, Billy Ray began sticking his dick inside any pussy that would open for him.

He nicknamed his trailer the “Labia Lounge.”  He had long ago dropped out of school and had plenty of free time to, as he used to say, “Beat that trailer pussy up.”

By age 17 he had six children with 4 different women.

Adult Life:  Well, as expected, Billy Ray’s adult life was a cornucopia of Meth, Cocaine, Newports, Natural Lite Ice, handcuffs and burning urine.  He made money by drug dealing, robbery and pawning.   

After discovering how to use the Internet, he was able to order a Black Mamba snake from an illegal exotic animal importer.  He wanted a pit bull, but thought they were too dangerous.

He named the snake “Hitler” and was often seen posing next to Hitler’s cage for pictures.

One day, Hitler escaped and bit Billy Ray on the cheek.  Billy Ray died within minutes.

The only thing he left behind for his six children was an old cum-stained Twister game board and three unopened cartons of Newports.

R.I.P Billy Ray, you sorry piece of shit.

PS….in lieu of flowers, Billy Ray requested that donations be made to, as he stated, “That saucy whore Lucy in the red trailer who stole my heart and gave me the clap.”

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10 thoughts on “The First Honest Obituary

    • Thanks for reading and commenting, I appreciate it. I think you are on to something there. I think I’m going to write my own obituary, it will be the funniest ever written. But, I’m sure my wife will probably object, time will tell.

  1. I’m sorry about your granddad–it sounds like he lived a full life.
    No, obits aren’t always honest, but they do get us thinking about more positive qualities the deceased may have had.

  2. this is funny. obits are kinda like, just the facts ma’am–meaning, the remaining family and maybe his job or if he served in the military

    on a more serious note, sorry for your loss

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