I Would Like To……

I would like to dip Paula Deen in butter, roll her in flour and then drop her into a huge deep-fat fryer.

Then, once cooked, slice her into little bite-sized pieces and feed all the hungry kids in the world.  I’m sure she would taste like a yummy, plump chicken.

I would like to make people understand that praying does absolutely nothing and waving your hands to the sky only makes birds and aliens very nervous.

Thanks a lot religious freaks, I’ve been waiting for years to be captured by aliens and taken away from this planet.

I would like to lock all the Kardashians in a rubber-walled room with three dictionaries and see who figures out how to open it first.

I would like to host a Pay-Per-View television event with Oprah vs. Rosie O’Donnell wrestling in unitards.  Donald Trump gets to tea-bag the loser.

I would like to resurrect Bill Hicks from the dead, just to listen to what he would say today.  It would be epic.

I would like to breed specialized unicorns that can fly and fart clouds of floating diamonds that spell out “HOPE” in the air.

I would like to be a black man so that I could dance better and walk cooler.

I would like to pull down Ryan Seacrest’s pants, douse him in honey, hog tie him and gently place him in Times Square.  Now that would get a few million YouTube hits.

I would then like to print millions of shirts that said, “I’m the asshole who did that mean shit to Ryan Seacrest.”

And finally, I would like to be President so that I could be the first President with a soul and the first to never wear a tie or suit in office.

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2 thoughts on “I Would Like To……

    • You know, I think that you and Mr.Mary should be my co-vice presidents. A white Scotch-Irishman, an intelligent woman and a seriously smart black dude together, we could run this country.

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