Then, once cooked, slice her into little bite-sized pieces and feed all the hungry kids in the world. I’m sure she would taste like a yummy, plump chicken.
I would like to make people understand that praying does absolutely nothing and waving your hands to the sky only makes birds and aliens very nervous.
Thanks a lot religious freaks, I’ve been waiting for years to be captured by aliens and taken away from this planet.
I would like to lock all the Kardashians in a rubber-walled room with three dictionaries and see who figures out how to open it first.
I would like to resurrect Bill Hicks from the dead, just to listen to what he would say today. It would be epic.
I would like to breed specialized unicorns that can fly and fart clouds of floating diamonds that spell out “HOPE” in the air.
I would like to be a black man so that I could dance better and walk cooler.
I would like to pull down Ryan Seacrest’s pants, douse him in honey, hog tie him and gently place him in Times Square. Now that would get a few million YouTube hits.
I would then like to print millions of shirts that said, “I’m the asshole who did that mean shit to Ryan Seacrest.”
And finally, I would like to be President so that I could be the first President with a soul and the first to never wear a tie or suit in office.