There is a fetish out there for everyone so I’m sure there is a Hipster Phone Sex Line and here’s how I think it would go down:
Caller: (after dialing 1-976-HIPSTER and giving her his credit card number) Hi there, I’m a little nervous, I’ve never done this before.
Hipster: Don’t be nervous, I’m here to ease your stress and a ease a few other things….if you know what I mean.
Caller: Oh well, that sounds nice. Can you call me Clementine?
Hipster: Sure thing, but how about Clemmy?
Caller: (giggling) Oh yeah, that’s nice. I’m already getting wet, tell me about your vintage records.
Hipster: Glad you asked, I have quite the vinyl collection. Original Sgt. Peppers, Hendrix Isle of Wight, Johnny Cash, Salt N Peppa………
Caller: (gently moaning) I was so close until Salt N Peppa. Let me hear about your ironic beard and wardrobe (hands in panties)
Hipster: (deep, throaty voice) Oh Clemmy, I’ve been growing my beard for 3 years now, no trimming at all. I even dyed it the same reddish-brown color as my favorite skinny jeans. I airbrushed my own extra tight, ironic t-shirt that says, “Vote Hipster in 2016” and dipped it in patchouli.
Caller: (intense moaning, fingers grinding hard) ALMOST THERE, talk about craft beer………..
Hipster: (even deeper, throatier voice) I just cracked open a Chimay Triple, a Belgian masterpiece that has to be served in a specific glass to enjoy the vibrant Bavarian hops. It was created by Trappist Monks.
Caller: YES, YES, YES, YES…..(deep, long breaths) Thank you so much, I needed that.
Hipster: Anytime Clemmy. I’m headed out to a spoken word open mic night in the park and will back after midnight if you need more.