Subcultures fascinate me and nothing fascinates me more than Hipsters.  They are fucking everywhere, literally and figuratively and I enjoy poking fun at them.  (probably a poor word choice there)

There is a fetish out there for everyone so I’m sure there is a Hipster Phone Sex Line and here’s how I think it would go down:

Caller: (after dialing 1-976-HIPSTER and giving her his credit card number) Hi there, I’m a little nervous, I’ve never done this before.

     Hipster: Don’t be nervous, I’m here to ease your stress and a ease a few other things….if you know what I mean.

Caller:  Oh well, that sounds nice.  Can you call me Clementine?

Hipster: Sure thing, but how about Clemmy?

Caller:  (giggling) Oh yeah, that’s nice.  I’m already getting wet, tell me about your vintage records.

Hipster: Glad you asked, I have quite the vinyl collection.  Original Sgt. Peppers, Hendrix Isle of Wight,  Johnny Cash, Salt N Peppa………

Caller: (gently moaning) I was so close until Salt N Peppa.  Let me hear about your ironic beard and wardrobe  (hands in panties)

     Hipster: (deep, throaty voice) Oh Clemmy, I’ve been growing my beard for 3 years now, no trimming at all.  I even dyed it the same reddish-brown color as my favorite skinny jeans.  I airbrushed my own extra tight, ironic t-shirt that says, “Vote Hipster in 2016” and dipped it in patchouli.

Caller: (intense moaning, fingers grinding hard) ALMOST THERE, talk about craft beer………..

Hipster: (even deeper, throatier voice) I just cracked open a Chimay Triple, a Belgian masterpiece that has to be served in a specific glass to enjoy the vibrant Bavarian hops.  It was created by Trappist Monks.

Caller: YES, YES, YES, YES…..(deep, long breaths) Thank you so much, I needed that.

Hipster:  Anytime Clemmy.  I’m headed out to a spoken word open mic night in the park and will back after midnight if you need more.


17 thoughts on “1-976 HIPSTER

  1. Reblogged this on PigeonHeart and commented:
    How could I not reblog this? This is from the Sandy Tongue, as saucy Floridian dude who has LoTs of opinions and will make you laugh and sometimes get nasty. This is some good sh*t.

  2. Pingback: Hipster Traps laid out In NYC | ASpoonfulofSuga

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