Dear Chris Christie (letter from a Duh’Merican)

chris-christie-eating

(Thought I would re-post this given the current debacle he’s in.  I actually heard him say that he found out about everything after he finished “working out.”  Yeah right.)

Are you really going to be running for President in 2016?  Are you really going to be the face of the Republican Party?

Well, I guess you are a fairly accurate representation of the American people.  After all, I think it’s being reported that around 36% of all American adults aged 20 and over are considered obese.

Even after your lap-band surgery, you still appear to be almost morbidly obese.  But there is plenty of time for you to “de-supersize” yourself before you make a bid for the presidency.

I’m not sure what it says about a person who has to have a band surgically implanted around their stomach to curb their voracious appetite.  This apparent lack of self control makes me a bit worried about how you may behave yourself if elected President.

Forget about religion and gay marriage, let’s talk about GMO’s and large sodas.  Yippeeee.

Could you imagine the power you would have?  You could have sexy hookers feed you chicken wings while they dancing naked around your own personal “oral”, I mean oval office.

I’m sure you will quickly address all of your health issues immediately after announcing your run for office.  You better be careful though, I can already see the Democrats hiring sneaky individuals dressed in long trench coats to approach you in the streets.  But instead of fake Rolex watches hanging from the inside of their coats, they will be lined with chicken nuggets and packets of ranch dressing.

Oh, the temptations you will face.  But you are a strong man, you are a defiant man.  I bet no Wendy’s Baconater will get the better of you.

But oh shit, could you imagine having the White House chef at your disposal?  “Uh, yeah, go ahead and fry up those left over Bald Eagle steaks, put it on a white hoagie roll with that cajun mayo you know I like. But don’t tell the first lady, it is 2 in the morning.  Just tell her some Chinese diplomat is on the phone for me again.” 

Sadly, I know very little about what you actually believe in, but I know exactly what you look like.  Kind of an interesting what us Americans deem as important these days.

For all I know, you could be the most brilliant man on the planet with several legtimate plans to get America back on the path of greatness.  But I can’t stop staring at your multiple chins and sweaty forehead.  You can thank TMZ and Honey Boo Boo for that.

Anyway, good luck to you with running for President.  I can’t wait to see how the Dems attack you.  You may just rescue Saturday Night Live.  Time will tell.

Peace and here’s to great mayo,
From a Duh’Merican

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