(I’ve lived on the West coast of Florida nearly my whole life and I’ve dealt with tourists for most of that time; thus, the inspiration.)
Hey Tourist (Beaches)- Yes, the beach is beautiful, now pay attention. Those white/greyish birds flying around trying to steal your snacks are called Sea Gulls. They are disgusting, they are mean and they are filthy.
In the mornings they spend their time at the local landfills picking through our waste. Then by early afternoon, they fly to the beach hoping your dumb, tourist ass will feed them. Remember that when you throw chips to them. Hope you had a tetanus shot recently.
Sunscreen– Please go to a CVS or Walgreens and buy plenty of sunscreen. The sun at the beach is very, very hot and your pasty, Northern skin will absolutely sizzle without it.
I’m tired of seeing your pinkish-red glow walking up and down the beach. Just wait until you try to take a hot shower with that sunburn, OUCH. The next step is called ALOE, buy some of that too. Your travel agent should have warned you.
Driving & Parking– Hey Tourist, I know it’s difficult but you have to learn which pedal is for going forward and which one is for stopping. Please stop driving with both feet.
If you don’t know where to turn and are lost simply turn into a parking lot and use the GPS in your Audi SUV.
The speed limit is the speed you are allowed to drive. Do not subtract 40 M.P.H. from it and think you won’t get the middle finger from the locals.
When all else fails, drive WEST, that will get you to the beach.
Restaurants– Hey Tourist, Red Lobster does not have any local seafood, it’s a chain. Sorry, but cheddar biscuits are not a genuine representation of what Floridians eat.
We do eat seafood, but we eat it from restaurants that are actually near the Gulf of Mexico. That dilapidated shack you snubbed your nose at and walked by near the beach, probably has the best blackened grouper sandwich in Florida. Oh well, your loss.
And please tip your servers at least 20% if they are good. THEY MAKE 95% OF THEIR LIVING FROM TIPS. This is not Canada.
HEY TOURIST!!! Spend your money, be polite, recognize that you are a visitor and stay out of the fucking way.