Dear Mr. Redneck

I was behind you in traffic again today. The over sized tires on your camouflaged truck made me feel like a dwarf and the silver balls hanging from your trailer hitch made me want to throw up the salad I had for lunch.

But that’s alright, I understand your need to put testicles on the back of your truck. I get it.

RACE, GUNS & INBREEDING: You did seem like you were in a hurry as you were speeding and weaving in and out of traffic. I thought maybe a deer was running free in the area or that maybe there were some “towel heads” getting close to the airport.

Got to get rid of them dark-skinned people. I’m guessing you weren’t rushing home to catch the latest Will and Grace episode or What’s Happening re-runs.

Maybe the National Rifle Association was having a meeting and you were running late. I think I heard there was a Charlton Heston tribute going on somewhere. I know, I know, “guns don’t’ kill people, people do.”

Yeah, but if there weren’t guns then how would anyone……..oh never mind. It is your constitutional right to bear arms and I don’t mean give birth to additional extremities.
 I’m not too sure though if it’s your right to continual spit in the face of evolution with your constant sister-mating and mullet rat-tails.

Did you not realize that deadly genes are named “deadly” for a reason? It’s because you aren’t supposed to put your dick inside any of your blood relatives wombs. That’s what causes birth defects.

Just because your sister lives in the same trailer as you doesn’t mean you can watch porn together spooning as your mother/aunt/grandmother in the kitchen struggles with opening a can of spam because her thumbs don’t work properly.

BREAST FEEDING: And you should really understand that Natural Light Ice is not something that you should put in your 7 year-old’s bottle to stop him from breast feeding.

Just go ahead and give him the can, he’s old enough now. In a couple of years he should be more than ready to start hog-hunting and finally quit breast feeding. And that reminds me, he’s really only supposed to suckle off the breast of the woman who bore him.

You shouldn’t keep dropping him off at the bus stop every morning hoping he finds breakfast. That’s just wrong.

LINCOLN: And what’s the big fascination with the confederate flag? You do realize that the South lost that war, right?

There are no more slaves, not that you would be able to afford any if it was still legal. And seriously, it’s time to stop hating on Abe Lincoln just because he freed the slaves. He’s dead anyway. And no, you are not related to John Wilkes Booth, so you can stop trying to take credit that your family helped kill Lincoln.

And I doubt very seriously that any of your ancestors would have known what a theater was anyway, let alone been able to actually load and fire a gun.

WARDROBE & NASCAR: Some advice I would like to throw your way regarding your wardrobe. Your cut-off jean shorts are not, and have never been cool in any form. “Stonewashed” denim was a huge mistake in the 1980’s and the fact that you still have anything like that still is a sad commentary on your fashion life.

And your Dale Earnhardt Jr. shirt really must go. He’s just a dude who drives a car in circles every Sunday. You do the same thing every Friday night, but it’s just called “Getting Home from the Bar.” And Dale isn’t wearing your shirt, now is he?

EMPLOYMENT & URINE CAKES: As for your job, you really must stop pretending to be an entrepreneur and stop telling everyone that you invented that coaster sanitizer with Bin Laden’s head on it that sits in the bottom of every public urinal in Alabama. YOU DIDN’T INVENT THAT.

Just because you spent a wild, redneck dream weekend in Talladega last summer and made friends with a blind ex-military veteran who said he lost his sight hunting Bin Laden in the Sherwood Forest, doesn’t mean he inspired you to create anything.

When you told him about the urine cake, he thought you said something about Red Velvet cake and shook his head “Yes“. You have to remember that between the Natural Light and shots of grain alcohol, your stories probably got a little mixed up.

For one thing, I doubt seriously that Bin Laden was hiding in the Sherwood Forest. You do realize that’s in England, right?? Not that you would ever have a reason to have looked at a map. Unless of course it was a topographical map that listed every Dollar Tree Store in the world, then I would understand.

THE END: It’s all o.k. though Mr. Redneck. Please keep trucking along through life without any concern for people in society who actually have read at least one book without pictures in it.

Please continue your pursuit of that “all-white” utopia your relatives talked about around the campfire. I’m sure you will find it one day. One day you will find that there is a magical world that will accept your rat-tail hair and blank stare.

Thanks Mr. Redneck.

Love always,

Your Landlord


One thought on “Dear Mr. Redneck

  1. I love that non-conformity actually does exist in society today. Can you imagine what type of person you’d be if you agreed to being bound by ANY commitments in life, other than paying taxes, raising your children, and actively refusing to become a felon? LOL, ur fucking hilarious!

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