The Decline of the Mustache

In ancient times, a man wearing a mustache was considered to be virile, confidant and well positioned in society. In most societies, mustachioed men were respected, feared and widely sought after for breeding.

“When I used to see men walking in the courtyards near my palace, my genitals always tingled fervently when my eyes gazed upon a mustachioed man.” Mary Antoinette

Since ancient times have long passed, let’s play a little game to get a better understanding about the status of today’s mustache.

Word Association (to exhibit the declination of the stache):

Mustache- Salvador Dali

Mustache- Tom Selleck

Mustache- Burt Reynolds

Mustache- Super Mario

Mustache- Ron Swanson

Mustache- Rapist?????

Mustache- Pedophile????

Mustache- Adolf Hitler (yikes, the ultimate stache)

Mustache- Hipster

Sadly, it’s true. The mustache has seemingly lost its once prominent status. In the past, a full mustache was considered by many to be a sign of elegance, a sign of rugged masculinity. But now, I fear that image has changed.

Dali is dead, Reynolds is old and washed up, and Selleck has pretty much drifted into obscurity. So what is left? Well, that leaves pedophiles, rapists, Hitler and Hipsters as the main cultural mustachioed influencers. (sorry, that was a bit wordy) I have to apologize to all the Hipsters out there for including you people in such a degenerate-filled group, but you guys generally smell terrible and I can only imagine what might be living in your mustaches.

A Scenario: You, male or female, are leaving a bar at 2 A.M. and begin walking back to your urban apartment, but can’t remember where it is. There are two men at the corner; one is clean-shaven wearing normal jeans and a tucked in Polo shirt. The other has a gnarly, twisted stache and is wearing an oddly stained, beige overcoat.

Who are you going to ask for directions? I think that answer is clear.

In order for the mustache to regain prominence, we must rid society of all pedophiles, rapists and hipsters. It shouldn’t be that hard to accomplish. Authorities can concentrate their removal efforts to public libraries and trendy bars.

Let’s do this. Do it for Selleck, do it for Dali, do it for Burt and do it for Super Mario.

(Editorial note: any quotes or historical references in this post may be totally fictitious and probably cannot be supported by any actual historical research.)

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