(I’m reposting this because I recently went to a family party and was thinking about him. It was one of the first parties after he died)
I went to visit my 88 year-old grandfather today. He has Alzheimer’s, lacerated ulcers and gastric lymphoma. He’s dying quickly now. He took a turn for the worse the other day and it’s probably just a matter of days now.
He never had any health problems until the Alzheimer’s got him last year.
A Brief History: He was a great man. He graduated high school when he was 16 and later graduated from college and attained a master’s degree.
He was a farmer, a lobster fisherman and was vice president of a large chemical company before retiring.
His first wife was an alcoholic and treated him, my father and my aunt like pieces of shit. She’s dead now and I never cared. No one shed a tear for her.
He had a second wife and she was an evil bitch. She nearly killed him and stole everything he cared about when they divorced.
After fucking my grandfather over, she had a stroke, was paralyzed for a time and then died. Fuck her too, I never shed a tear.
He was a great husband, father, grandfather and never hurt a soul. He was a gentle man.
I speak of him in the past tense because he is no longer here. His body is on earth, but his mind is gone.
His Room: I walked in to his room and there he was, under his covers with his mouth agape like he was catching flies. His skin has become almost translucent now and he’s starting to resemble a skeleton.
I say hello and he stares at me like I’m a stranger. I think he may even be looking past me and into another life.
I walk closer, kiss his forehead and tell him who I am. He smiles and says hello. I sit in a chair next to his bed and try to tell him about my kids and what we did during the holiday weekend. He stares straight ahead at the wall on the other side of the room.
I again kiss him on the forehead, tell him I love him and leave. There is a good chance that will be the last time I see him, the last time I see one of the few people in the world I admired, I loved and I looked up to.
The End: It destroys me inside that such a wonderful, great man has been reduced to a mere skeleton of himself. It kills me that he lays in a bed, pissing and shitting on himself. It kills me that his brain has stopped working. It kills me that he’s gone.
For one moment, I thought about helping him end the pain and suffering by placing a pillow over his face and taking that last breathe for him. I could never do that because I care too much about consequences. But watching him lifeless absolutely destroys me.
I called my wife and told her that I never want to be like that. I want her to promise me that she will help me leave this world if I ever become like that. She said no and I understand why.
Hopefully, if this happens to me one day, I will be able to end it before I get that bad.
I will make it fun though, kind of a “party suicide”. There will be beer, there will be liquor and I will surround myself with everyone who loves me.
Then I will walk to the tallest bridge I can find and fly away from this planet, Goodbye.
No one deserves to be reduced to nothing, no one.
I’m an atheist for more reasons than this story. If you believe in God, then you must believe that your God is cruel. I can’t believe in that.