Dear Miley (a letter from Billy Ray)

Billy-Ray-CyrusDear Miley,

Ever since I caught your mom fucking Brett Michaels, things have been a little rough around the house.  I mean shit, imagine watching the love of your life getting banged by a washed up, no talent hack wearing a bandana underneath a cowboy hat.

Oh shit, that’s kind of how you were made.  Anyway……

I saw your new video Wrecking Ball last night and I hate to admit it, but I got kind of hard.  Actually, I was harder than a piece of Texas toast left on the hood of a pickup truck for 3 days in the summer heat.

When I saw you walking towards the camera with my old wife-beeter on, my nuts sizzled like spam in a frying pan after a long night of drinking.  Damn baby, you look so fuckin’ hot.

Baby, I want to be your sledgehammer so bad….. so freakin’ bad my balls hurt.  My balls hurt like that time we went skinny dippin’ last summer during our vacation at the KOA.  Remember I had to run into the community shower and “finish” myself in the corner stall???  It was a blue moon that night.

I know that some people will make fun of our forbidden love, but dammit, I don’t care.  I’m making a comeback because of how you inspired me.  Here are the first couple of lines for my new hit:

“Don’t break my balls, my achy, breaky balls.”  That’s all so far.

Love,

Lover-Daddy

P.S.- I just bought a 100 acre ranch in Alabama and named it “Wrecking Balls”, because you wrecked my balls when you cheated on me with Robin Thicke. 

P.S. P.S.- I checked with my lawyer and we can legally get married in Alabama.

P.S. P.S. P.S.- Don’t tell no one

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One thought on “Dear Miley (a letter from Billy Ray)

  1. Pingback: Miley is a Genius | Duh'Merica

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