I was strapped into a huge, throne-like, rotating chair in the middle of a massive pirate ship.
As the chair rotated I could see that Angelina Jolie was wearing a fruit basket hat and was steering the ship while Johnny Depp was licking her balls.
That’s right, Angelina had balls. And not little balls, they were big, hulking cow balls.
I yelled “Why, why… poor Brad.” Depp stopped licking her balls, smiled eerily and said in an annoying pirate voice, “Vive la France.”
As the chair rotated away from the ball licking, I noticed that there was a playpen balancing precariously on a plank that extended about ten feet from the edge of the ship over the sea.
There appeared to be about 10 kids in it and they were all striped like Zebras. There was a flag in the middle of the playpen with a banner at the top that said, “Adopt a kid and get free booty.“
I began to cry a bit and a couple of tears dripped down my cheeks. As if those first scenes weren’t bad enough, my chair continued to rotate, I saw that Usher was manning one of the cannons at the front of the ship and had a parrot on his shoulder.
He stepped away from the cannon and started walking towards me. As he got closer I realized that it wasn’t a parrot on his shoulder, it was actually Justin Beiber wearing that yellow bikini that John Mayer wore on that cruise ship (you know that hideous thong).
Then Usher and Beiber both started pointing at my crotch and were laughing loudly. I looked down and there was Depp again and he was licking my balls, but my balls were gone and had been replaced by two bulbous Brad Pitt heads.
“Holy Fuck,“ I yelled as loud as I could. I then looked Beiber directly in the eye and said, “Well at least my hair doesn’t suck.”
Usher started dancing, (really good dancing I might add) and Ellen appeared on his other shoulder and she was clapping.
A wave crashed over the bow. I woke up and pissed myself, again.
(I’m no shrink, but I’m guessing this means that Angelina is going to kill all her children, dump Brad and get with Depp)