(WARNING: THIS POST MAY BE CONSIDERED RACIALLY INSENSITIVE AND POLITICALLY INCORRECT, BUT THAT’S WHAT I DO BEST. And by the way, if you’ve ever been to the Atlanta airport, this could be very close to the truth.)
Here’s what happens when a hipster has a layover in the Atlanta Hartsfield International airport on his way to the Wakarusa Music Festival in Ozark, Arizona for some ironic concert fun.
Characters: Jude the Hipster and Lakeesha the TSA Agent
Lakeesha- (appearing disinterested and extremely bothered to actually be at work) Excuuuuuse me Mr. Hairy face with the stupid-ass hat on, step over hear please. You have been selected for a random search. My name is Lakeesha and I am a special search agent for the Transportation Security Administration.
Jude- (speaking like he’s ingested a handful of shrooms) Whoa, I heard about this when I was drinking green tea the other day. Very trippy, please be gentle, it took me forever to get my hat to sit just right on my head.
Lakeesha- (already getting angry) Green tea???? What in the hell is green tea?
You dumb-ass white folks always trying to drink shit that you think make you healthy. (laughing) Green tea, HA. How about some Welch’s Grape, cracker? That’ll put some hair on yo chest.
How about you take that gay-ass hat off so I can make sure you ain’t got no bombs hidden in your wannabe Bob Marley hair.
Lakeesha- (interrupting and sounding like she’s chewing on her tongue) Sir, did you say B-O-M-B? I heards you say BOMB.
Have you come into contact with any bombs or bomb making materials before coming to the Hartsfield International Airport in Atlanta, GA?
Jude- (becoming agitated and nervous) You said bomb first, not me, I didn’t say anything about making a bomb. I’m just on my way to a music festival in Arkansas.
Lakeesha-(appearing very confidant) Hmmmmmmm, boy, you smell like you been sittin’ in a hot basement with a bunch a dead bodies smellin’ like hot garbage. What in the hell perfume you gots on?
Jude- (shocked and bewildered) I’m a man, I don’t wear perfume, I only wear patchouli.
Could you please just finish the search so I won’t miss my connecting flight. And is there a place where I can unroll my mat and do some Yoga? I really need to relax.
Lakeesha (mockingly) Yoga? Ain’t that the little green guy in that stupid-ass space movie all you white people like so much.
Jude- (impatiently) I would like to speak to a supervisor, this is getting ridiculous.
I can’t miss the festival and this nonsense about bombs is starting to piss me off. I’m starting to understand how those Kent State students felt.
Lakeesha (pissed off) Ummmmm, I am the supervisor and the only festival you finna’ go to is what I like to call the “Festival O’ Ass Munching.”
I’m about to put you in a holding cell with three shit-pushing gang members who would love to toss your urban salad. (laughing)
Jude– (nearly crying) Look, I’ve been a manager at Urban Outfitters for three years now, if I go to jail, I will lose my job. Please just let me go to my connecting flight.
Lakeesha (proudly smiling as if she has won) I’m just messin’ witch you boy. You white boys always get so uptight. Sho thing, goes ahead to your flight.
(About an hour later: BREAKING NEWS- A FLIGHT FROM ATLANTA TO OZARK, ARKANSAS BLOWS UP SHORTLY AFTER DEPARTURE. Initial indications are that a left, left wing group called the HIPSTER RESPECT COALITION is claiming responsibility for the bombing.)