Dear Justin Beiber

Dear Justin,

You might want to slow your roll a bit.  It seems like you are a nice kid.  You are ridiculously successful and seem to give back to your community.  I’ve seen you on Ellen and you truly seem like you have a good heart.

But, I recently saw that you had an altercation with a paparazzi.  Now at first I didn’t think that was a big deal, but then it was revealed that you were taking boxing lessons from Mike Tyson.

HOLY, FUCKING, SHIT.  Where were your handlers when that decision was made????

You do realize that Tyson is historically one of the biggest train wrecks in American pop culture, don’t you????

He served prison time for raping a woman.  Yes, RAPE, that’s a very bad thing.  Now you are taking boxing lessons from him???

Oh, wait a second, I get it, you are trying to shed that pretty, little sterile white-boy image you have so masterfully created.  WHY, WHY, WHY??????

That image is what has all those pre-teens buying your shitty music and going to your concerts and giving you the ability to be the next Warren Buffett.

It’s painfully obvious that you are not comfortable in your pasty skin.  With one delicate sneeze, your pants will fall off because you wear them like a ghetto brother. 

You have more money than most people in the world, but you will always be a little, white-boy.  You can’t be Eazy-E or Ice Cube, it’s just not possible.

I’m on to your new game though.  I see you trying to rap, trying to act like a “bad boy”, trying to shed that “I don’t yet have hair on my balls yet” image that is probably eating you up inside.

I’m sure your inner Compton gang-banger wants to escape your body and let you fuck Kim Kardashian in the ass.  But, you’ve seen the video and there is no way your dick is as big as Ray J’s and that probably scares you a bit.  Don’t worry, that’s just genetics and his dick scared me too and I’m a nobody.

But hey Justin, seriously, slow your roll before you end up snorting cocaine off of hookers asses in Tijuana while your girlfriend Selena sits in the corner videotaping it.

Becoming a bad ass comes with some difficult realities that you will not be able to handle.

Just keep producing shitty, teen-bop music and making billions.  I don’t want to see you play with the needle and the spoon.


Your Future Rehab Counselor


2 thoughts on “Dear Justin Beiber

  1. You are a got damn fool!!! Hahahaha!!! But you have a very valid point. Shit, even my wife was rocking to his performance on the Billboard Awards and made me watch it. Smh… What has this world come to??

  2. Pingback: 128% of Scientists are easily misled by cancerous headlines « power of language blog: partnering with reality by JR Fibonacci

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