Hey Baptist

(Author’s note; I’m rather enjoying writing in this style, kind of like a letter to people who piss me off.  It makes me feel like someone is actually listening.  I graduated from a small, private Baptist college in Rome, Georgia, hence the inspiration.  It was the most racist, backwoods, redneck filled city I’ve ever lived in.)

Hey Baptist– Stop telling me not to drink beer while you fill your obese face with only deep-fried foods while washing it down with gallons of sweet tea and Mountain Dew.

A vegetable is no longer a vegetable once you bread it with flour, deep fry it and dip it in Ranch Dressing.

Hey Baptist– Stop telling me that I’m going to hell for having premarital sex while you secretly Google search “Filipino Lady-Boys Ball-Gag Naked Twister”.

I know that your wife is constantly busy folding your laundry, buttering your toast, ironing your suspenders and picking up your Twinkie wrappers and probably is too tired to let you go balls deep inside her each night.

Actually, she’s probably not having sex with you anymore because she’s tired of crying each time you thrust your pinky dick into her birth canal.  You weigh 400 pounds and it’s crushing her.

Hey Baptist– Blacks, Hispanics, Asians, Indians are actually real people.

Regardless of what they taught you in that snake charming church in the hills, using ethnic slurs does not get you closer to heaven.  And by the way, Jesus was probably more dark-skinned than white.  Oops, sorry to give you that “Santa Claus isn’t real” moment.

Hey BaptistSTOP KILLING DEER. What is the huge fascination with shooting a harmless animal, cutting its head off and hanging it on your family room wall next to your confederate flag?

It’s just a fucking deer, leave them alone.  Oh, I know, but you only kill what you eat.

Well then how about killing some lettuce and tomatoes and eating a salad once in a while.

Hey Baptist– Having four mufflers and semi tires on your diesel truck makes people think that you have a baby dick.  Well, they are probably right.

I’m not sure where in the Bible it says, “Thou shall go mud-bogging every weekend while the wife cleans your toilets.”

Hey Baptist- God doesn’t hat fags, you know why?  Because God isn’t real you dumb fuck.

You know what is real?  Evolution, the Big-Bang and Dinosaurs.

You know those stubby, odd looking things next to your fingers??? Those are opposable thumbs, play with them and figure it out.


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