(keep in mind, I am not a spokesperson for Golden Corral nor am I affiliated with the company in any way)
The hotly debated topic of “when the world will end” has recently taken a drastic turn to cause immediate concern. Forget the Mayans, forget Nostradamus, forget your Bibles, forget that crazy preacher Harold Camping and everything they “predict” about the end of world.
The Chocolate Fountain
You don’t need ancient calendars or scripture to predict the end of the world. All you have to do is visit your local Golden Corral. Golden Corral? What am I talking about, you might ask?
Well, unless you live under a rock, you have probably seen the advertisements that Golden Corral has added a spectacular chocolate fountain to their buffet dessert selection. I know, go ahead and pinch yourself, a chocolate-freakin-fountain, it’s all too real. But, before you pee your pants, let’s take a step back into the real world and think about this for a minute.
I can picture it now. A 10 year-old, sadly chubby boy gets up from his seat after eating 15 pieces of deep-fried chicken strips, French fries and creamed corn and heads towards the chocolate fountain. On his way there, he sneezes into the air in front of him and wipes his nose with both hands across the front of his shirt. His eyes begin to widen like its Christmas morning as he saddles up in front of the glorious fountain to survey his next food victim.
He grabs a handful of the fondue sticks, drops a few on the floor and begins to stalk his dessert prey. There are strawberries, marshmallows, bananas and cookies.
“Don’t forget to eat some fruit,” his mother screams from the table.
He grins, stabs a couple pieces of banana and turns towards his mother as if to say, “look mom, bananas are a healthy dessert” He then licks the banana on the end of the fondue stick before thrusting it into the fountain. He pulls the banana saber out and the chocolate is covering his fingers and dripping down his hand to his wrist. He licks off the first layer of chocolate from the banana and inserts it again into the fountain for another layer.
I have yet to fully research Golden Corral’s corporate structure, but I’m sure a complete investigation will probably reveal that they have financial ties to numerous terrorist investigations throughout the world.
I think it’s safe to say that the chocolate fountain is probably an intricate Al-Queda or Chinese plot to finally take over America. I’m guessing they will find a way to introduce a horrific viral strain into the Golden Corral chocolate fountains.
Then, as Americans eat more chocolate fondue and get fatter, productivity will decrease dramatically, obesity will skyrocket and most Americans will not be able to move from their couches. Once the fatness plot takes root, all the sleeper cells will attack and America won’t have a chance. Whether the attacks are from turban wearing men carrying Korans or short, yellow guys in rickshaws, remains to be seen.
Don’t laugh. Fear the power of American Gluttony and what it could possibly lead to.
What Can Americans Do?
Wake up America. Do we really need chocolate fondue fountains at the end of a cheap buffet? Good lord, wash your hands, eat a salad once in a while, stop recording The Bachelor and read a book. That’s a good start.
America has been drinking from the chocolate fountain for far to long and soon I fear the fountains may attack.