My Embarrassing Public Toilet Story (full version)

(This is the full version of my earlier nomination story inspired by howtodateboys)

A few years ago when I was newly dating my girlfriend (she’s my wife now), we went to our downtown area for drinks and dinner.

We went to a newer tapas restaurant and sat at the bar.  I drank a couple Heinekens while my wife had a couple liquor drinks.  We ordered a few of their tapas selections and started eating.

Then, out of nowhere, I felt a pain in my stomach that almost knocked me off my bar stool.  Although there was loud music playing in the bar area, I think everyone in the place could hear the rumble inside my belly.  It was like a mini-gastric-earthquake ripping through my body.

I knew I had to get to a bathroom within about 5 minutes or I was going to basically shit myself.

Now, if you’ve read my blog before you know that I’m not exactly a huge fan of public restrooms and I was doing every mental exercise I could to trick my stomach from unloading.

And I also was still in the somewhat new “dating” phase with my soon to be wife and needed to remain cool and un-sweaty.

But, the fecal gods had an entirely different plan for me that night.  As a couple beads of sweat started trickling down my forehead, I ordered water. 

My wife looked at me strangely and knew something was up.  I never ordered water at a bar, absolutely never.

“Honey, are you alright,” she asked.

“Oh yeah, I’m great, I think I just need to pee.  I will be right back,” I replied.

Wow, “nice lie asshole,” I said to myself.

Why couldn’t I just tell her that my stomach was wrenched in pain and I was going to destroy this tapas restaurant’s bathroom?

Well, because I have some serious bathroom/shitting in public issues that I wasn’t ready to share with her.  I was still in the “show my feathers” courting stage of our relationship.

So, off to the bathroom I went.  It was a nice, clean unisex bathroom with only one toilet.

Thank god, a one-seater, things were looking up.  I locked the door behind me and immediately turned the water on in the sink, kind of to set the mental mood and make sure no one could hear me.

I dropped my pants and the second my pasty, white cheeks touched the porcelain seat, EXPLOSION!!!  It was like a giant cow patty.

Finally, relief was mine…….. for the moment.

I cleaned myself and reached to flush. 

HOLY, FUCKING, SHIT………… the toilet would not flush. MAYDAY, MAYDAY………the toilet would not flush.

A million embarrassing scenarios started jumping through my mind.

My biggest fear was that I wouldn’t be able to flush and my awful stomach remnants would be on display for the next customer to see.

And the next customer would probably be a Playboy Playmate or someone I knew who happened to be in the same restaurant.

I pulled the back lid off and started tinkering with the mechanical innards, but nothing worked.  My cow patty was not going anywhere.

Decision time: I washed my hands quickly and carefully cracked the door to see if anyone was waiting in the hallway.  The coast was clear so I walked briskly back to the bar and stood next to my wife at the bat.

“Wow, that sure was a long pee.  Aren’t you going to sit down,” she said.

“Nope, it’s time to go.  We have to leave now,” I said as I put down plenty of cash next to our plates.

As we were walking out the door, I looked back over my shoulder and noticed a few employees gathering in the bathroom where I left my destruction.


6 thoughts on “My Embarrassing Public Toilet Story (full version)

  1. Pingback: TMI: Most Embarrasing Night | A Spoonful of Suga

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