Recognizing a Bar DoucheBag

Occasionally, my wife and I enjoy going to some of our local downtown bars for drinks. And it never fails, every time we go, we always encounter a few D.B.’s.

I want to help the hub world identify such Bar D.B.’s so that your drinking experiences may always be pleasant.

Below are 5 characteristic of Bar D.B.’s :

1. The guy with the Ed Hardy or Affliction shirt on: watch out, this guy is between 22-45 years old and thinks he’s watched enough MMA to be able to take out the whole bar in a fight.

His shirt will be incredibly too tight, his arms will probably be shaved and he will usually have enough cheap cologne on that could choke a horse. He will usually be drinking a Miller Lite and will not tip the bartender.

He will ogle women like they all want to rip their clothes off and mate immediately upon him walking into the bar. He looks curiously similar to all the males on Jersey Shore. His drink of choice is the most expensive Vodka in the bar and his shot of choice is Jager Bombs. Stay away at all costs.

2. The Jukebox Guy: this guy is one of the most annoying in the bar. He will blockade himself at the jukebox and play absolutely terrible songs all night.

He’s usually middle-aged, white and plays a lot of Warrant, Lynrd Skynrd, Styx mixed in with the occasional Eminem. After paying for about two hours worth of music, he will play a game of pool while dancing badly and lip-syncing to the music.

Normally no women will go near him, unless they are passing him to get to the bathroom. This guy is fairly harmless, but he will always ruin the bar music. His drink of choice is Miller Lite and he’s to cheap to buy shots.

3. The Hipster: this guy will normally be young, between the ages of 21-30 and will always have on black, skinny jeans. He will have a lot of un-groomed facial hair and face piercings.

He will be wearing a t-shirt that references some old, obscure movie like David Lynch’s Eraserhead. He will smell of patchouli because he doesn’t believe in bathing more than once per week. He will probably argue with the Jukebox Guy about what he thinks is crappy music.

He will also only drink cheap, “cool” beer like Pabst Blue Ribbon.  The cheaper the can, the better.  It’s hip to drink beer that tastes like stale, warm urine.

He may encourage political debate and speak freely about why drugs need to be legalized. Stay away from this guy unless you have an Urban Hip-tionary with you. His drink of choice is PBR beer and he doesn’t do shots. Instead, he will be dropping acid in the bathroom to “broaden” his mind.

4. The Redneck: LOOK OUT, this guy is Threat Level 10, he is the most dangerous Bar D.B.

He will of course be wearing some type of Wrangler jeans, a brightly colored button down shirt (regardless of the temperature) and some type of heavy cowboy-like boots.

He normally doesn’t drive his truck the 40 miles from his house in the middle of nowhere to the bar, so he is here to get absolutely sloshed. He will be extremely loud and blurt out very inappropriate things to any women.

For example, you may overhear him tell a larger woman; “Girl, I’d like to ride you and try to stay on for 8 seconds, but I’m afraid my saddle may not fit.”

He will size up every other guy in the bar and do his best to intimidate. He is the bar alpha male. If you look at him incorrectly, he will fight you.

His drink of choice is Budweiser and his shot of choice is Tequila. STAY AWAY

5. The Guy Who Just Got Dumped: dear god, he may be the worst. He just got dumped by his girlfriend or fiance and he’s looking to drown himself in Jagermeister and find sympathy.

He will say things like, “Hey, if you were single, you would date me, right?

Or, “Hey pretty lady, would you say that I’m decent looking, I have a friendly face, right?” You can hear him muttering in the corner about how he “thought she was the one.”

His drink of choice is Jagermeister shots only, he’s ready to end the night in the bottom of the bottle. Stay away from him, unless you are a counselor.

Summary: A bar should be a relaxing place to enjoy a few drinks. Hopefully, by showing you how to recognize the above Bar D.B.’s, you will be able to enjoy your bar experiences. I hope I could help.


6 thoughts on “Recognizing a Bar DoucheBag

  1. You neglected to mention that the Ed Hardy guy and the Redneck guy both have problems with wandering hands. They don’t believe in the kindergarten rule “hands to yourself, please” and believe women are put on this earth just for them to grope. Sorta like Arnold Schwartzenegger. Only you probably wouldn’t find him at a regular bar.

  2. Pingback: Pondering out loud on paper: The Bar, The Tavern, Hafiz the Poet « A Spoonful of Suga

  3. haha, hilarious post! It doesn’t matter where you are, LA or Boston, you will definitely see 3/5 people on this list every bar trip.

    You just never know which 3 you will get….

  4. @holly: good point. I think when guys like that look in the mirror they say, “damn, I’m so hot, I can touch any girl whenever I want.” Like they are doing women a favor.

    @James- thanks again. Instead of Amen, I’m going to speak in tongues if that’s alright with you.

    @J. Karamour- thanks, I appreciate it. I’m in Florida, so we usually get all 5 at once.

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