There were several confederate flag and “Yankee hater” bumper stickers spread out across the bumper and back windshield.
Normally, that’s offensive enough for me, but this time the stickers took a back seat to the next thing I saw.
As I finished reading the bumper stickers, I looked down at the trailer hitch and was absolutely mystified. There, hanging from the hitch, was a pair of silver testicles. That’s right, I’m not making this up, there was a larger than life-sized scrotum hanging from the hitch.
Each testicle was about the size of a tennis ball and whoever created it actually had one ball hanging lower than the other. I guess maybe the anatomical realism should be applauded. Leonardo would have been proud.
After I grew tired of the glare of the sun bouncing off the silver balls and into my eyes, I decided to pull up beside the vehicle and take a look at the driver.
Just to maybe get a better understanding of what type of person I was dealing with. I hate to stereotype, but there was a man driving with a cut off shirt, bad mustache and a hat with a rebel flag on it.
I can’t say I was surprised, but I was kind of hoping it was a little Chinese guy.
I immediately wondered how this could be possible. Is it really within the law to have a pair of testicles hanging from a vehicle? I then did what any normal American would do and went online to learn about this horrid phenomenon.
Apparently these truck balls are extremely easy to purchase. I went to Google and typed in “truck balls.” The first site I ventured to boasted the following heading:
“Unique Truck Accessories,” “Truck Balls, Truck Nutz, Biker Nutz; All Sets Made to Swing.”
As I scrolled down the page I learned that one can purchase truck balls in the colors; red, ivory, black, mocha, blue, pink, brown and flesh.
They also are made dipped in bronze, silver and they even come in camo. Wow, almost every ethnic group is represented. I’m glad the creators had the foreskin, uh, sorry, foresight to consider representing their product as a politically correct one.
They should reconsider Asians as a viable market because there are a lot of people in Asia.
They may not have so many trucks, but they have tons of bikes, scooters and rickshaws. Maybe they would consider making the balls for the Asian market a little smaller, not for stereotypical reasons of course, but rather for the smaller vehicles. Just a thought.
I have to admit that the website was quite clever. At the bottom of the page there is a section that allows readers to “Submit Your Quip.” Some of the winners were as follows:
“Bull Balls are like whoppers, hang em’ your way”
“No offense, but your headlights are shining on my balls”
“If you like my balls, you’ll love my drive shaft”
“What a day, my balls are dragging!!!!!!”
The continual evolving intellect of the backwoods, redneck, truck driver is amazing to me. To think that there main inspirations in life of bass fishing and pissing off black people has now been supplemented with putting replica testicles on their trailer hitches. They now finally have something else to do with their time besides staring at eclipses and whittling.
I do have to question the inspiration behind actually purchasing and hanging them on their trucks. Does it mean that they really, really love testicles??? Do they want other drivers to understand just how important swinging testicles are to them??? I love breasts, but I don’t think I would put bronze boobs anywhere on my car. I guess I’m more of a renaissance man in that respect.
There is even a testimonial at the bottom of the page that says it all, “Got the balls today, dang that was fast service—nice set—put em’ on a rope and you have an ‘attitude adjuster’, thanks again.”
Again, I am left completely miffed by all of this and I have my own pair.