Sorry Buddha, but if that’s true, I will never truly be free.
I’m a fairly large man, somewhat strong, but I’m not afraid to admit some things in life that I’m deeply, deeply afraid of.
Laugh all you want, but here are five things that scare the BeJesus out of me:
1. Squirrels: Yep, that’s right, I am deathly afraid of squirrels. They always seem to be following me, running out in front of my car and I even had a baby one crawl up my leg one time.
When I walk with my wife, it seems like they tease me. There is a path of trees that line the sidewalk we walk on and I swear there is one waiting at each tree for me. They run out onto the sidewalk in front of me, look at me all weird and then run up the tree.
Then I think each one speaks some squirrel talk to the next one and they do the same thing. They are tormenting me for no reason. I’ve never even hunted them.
2. People Wearing Creepy Plastic Masks: I watched a movie called The Strangers with Liv Tyler in it. I will spare you the plot synopsis, but people were terrorizing her and they were wearing those eerie plastic, cartoon like masks.
I have recurring nightmares of people standing at my sliding glass doors wearing masks like that and staring at me while I watch television. Masks like that should be outlawed, forever.
3. Rednecks: I am truly afraid of Rednecks. They are always forgetting how lucky they are to have opposable thumbs.
They are always spitting in the face of evolution with their confederate flags, wrangler jeans and huge trucks. Trust me, no man is comfortable wearing tight, wrangler jeans.
They are constantly taking their shirts off in random places and they continue to keep Budweiser in business. And don’t get me started about the whole inbreeding thing. I watched Deliverance and that’s all you need to know. I’m always afraid that I will get lost in the woods and have to squeal like a pig, if you know what I mean.
4. Pachouli: It’s probably the smell I hate most in this world. For me, patchouli means that someone doesn’t bathe frequently enough.
I have another recurring nightmare that I get stuck on an elevator with a hippie girl wearing a gallon of patchouli who doesn’t shave her underarms.
Then, it’s the middle of winter and their is no heat in the elevator. We are so cold that we have to hug to stay warm. During the hug, her wiry underarm hairs brush up against me and as I try to move away the patchouli jumps into my nostrils and I pass out.
There are no bright lights, there are no nurses talking to me, I am dead and my last moment was with patchouli.
5. Old Man Testicles: If you are a man and have ever been in a gym locker room, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
Old men love to hang around the locker room naked with their old man testicles just swinging all around. They are so old and droopy that they almost touch the floor. It’s almost like they want you to ask them a question about it.
All I can think of is accidentally stepping on one while I walk to the shower. One day when I’m old, I’m going to do the same thing just to make a 35 year-old uncomfortable.
In Conclusion: Obviously, this is not everything I’m afraid of, but I didn’t want to write a novel. I know people say that you are supposed to confront your fears, but I think I will just remain scared. Especially with Number 4.