The First Honest Dating Profile(NSFW)

(I’m married now and very happy, but there was a time when I was single after divorcing from a 10 year marriage and was roaming around aimlessly in the dating scene.  For me, it was not much fun and I even went on a dating website or two (which was an absolute joke and yes I admit that I did it).

This brings me to what could solve almost every dating issue for single people………..

The Honest Dating Profile (kind of like an alcoholic at his/her first AA meeting):

Hi, my name is Sandy and I’m single.  “Hi Sandy, welcome to the group.”  I’m 32, recently divorced and looking to get out into the dating scene. 

I haven’t dated in nearly 12 years, so I’m a bit nervous and not sure what to expect.

So, here goes.  I’m a decent looking guy and I’m pretty much looking for a woman who isn’t afraid to slut it up and get fairly nasty with me.

When we go out, we will split everything 50/50; drinks, dinner, desert, movies, cab fares, lotions, lubes, ball-gags and anything else we do while being out together.

When I get nervous, my forehead gets sweaty and so do my balls.

I usually dust my nuts with Gold Bond medicated powder and use Glide (an anti-chafing product), to keep my nether region hygienic and presentable. So don’t be alarmed when you smell an oddly hospital-like odor when approaching my cock and balls for a blowjob.  Always remember that I’m clean.

Be prepared to not be satisfied the first time we fornicate.  I always say that my dick is “average” size, but generally saying that means that I’m probably well under sized.

I also have odd patches of hair on my back and in my ears since I’m single and have no one to help groom me anymore.

There is a good chance that I’m going to be so excited about getting close to strange pussy that I will probably jizz in my pants before I can even pull my dick out.

And when I do finally get my dick out, I will be ridiculously clumsy and most likely try to push it into any hole on your body.  I don’t even like anal, but be prepared for me attempting to shove my dick in there too.  Sorry in advance.

When we are done, I won’t smoke a cigarette.

I will instead have to use the bathroom and most likely take a dump.  Out of courtesy to you, I will run the sink water so that you won’t hear me.

I’m always terrified of people hearing me shit.  I understand that it’s a necessary part of life, but it still freaks me out.

Oh and by the way, I do like long walks on the beach, especially if the walks are followed by a good reverse cowgirl behind the sand dunes.

And did I mention that I hate cats and I’m terrified of your period.  I will never understand why women have to bleed and be stinky for one week out of the month.

Nature, not God, works in mysterious ways.  I truly feel sorry for women having to menstruate, but it will always make me want to vomit.

Anyway, I’m free all weekend, so hit me up with a text message or a saucy naked picture message and let’s do this thing.

(Wouldn’t life be easier if you knew this about a man before the whole bullshit courting process?)


13 thoughts on “The First Honest Dating Profile(NSFW)

  1. Maybe I didn’t need to know about the post-coital poop, but the rest would do quite well on a profile…though it could use a few more hobbies and common ground things…sex is great and a vital part of life (and one of the main reasons to date), but not the be all…

  2. Pingback: A Deconstructed Date in Response to TheSandyTongue’s The First Honest Dating Profile(NSFW) « A Spoonful of Suga

  3. @dater: thanks for commenting, just keeping it honest, even with the poop
    @whatidesire: me too, would be very interesting
    @deelay: thanks for reading and commenting, I appreciate it
    @mrmary: always glad when you stop by, glad you enjoyed it
    @John: brilliant idea, let me know how that works out
    @flamidwfye: nice, make sure you let your assistant read it too
    @mrmary: thanks brother, I appreciate it, I need to do that more often, but I get lazy

  4. Pingback: Multiple Award Gratitude « Dumb Workers

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