(I’m married now and very happy, but there was a time when I was single after divorcing from a 10 year marriage and was roaming around aimlessly in the dating scene. For me, it was not much fun and I even went on a dating website or two (which was an absolute joke and yes I admit that I did it).
This brings me to what could solve almost every dating issue for single people………..
The Honest Dating Profile (kind of like an alcoholic at his/her first AA meeting):
Hi, my name is Sandy and I’m single. “Hi Sandy, welcome to the group.” I’m 32, recently divorced and looking to get out into the dating scene.
I haven’t dated in nearly 12 years, so I’m a bit nervous and not sure what to expect.
So, here goes. I’m a decent looking guy and I’m pretty much looking for a woman who isn’t afraid to slut it up and get fairly nasty with me.
When we go out, we will split everything 50/50; drinks, dinner, desert, movies, cab fares, lotions, lubes, ball-gags and anything else we do while being out together.
When I get nervous, my forehead gets sweaty and so do my balls.
I usually dust my nuts with Gold Bond medicated powder and use Glide (an anti-chafing product), to keep my nether region hygienic and presentable. So don’t be alarmed when you smell an oddly hospital-like odor when approaching my cock and balls for a blowjob. Always remember that I’m clean.
Be prepared to not be satisfied the first time we fornicate. I always say that my dick is “average” size, but generally saying that means that I’m probably well under sized.
I also have odd patches of hair on my back and in my ears since I’m single and have no one to help groom me anymore.
There is a good chance that I’m going to be so excited about getting close to strange pussy that I will probably jizz in my pants before I can even pull my dick out.
And when I do finally get my dick out, I will be ridiculously clumsy and most likely try to push it into any hole on your body. I don’t even like anal, but be prepared for me attempting to shove my dick in there too. Sorry in advance.
When we are done, I won’t smoke a cigarette.
I will instead have to use the bathroom and most likely take a dump. Out of courtesy to you, I will run the sink water so that you won’t hear me.
I’m always terrified of people hearing me shit. I understand that it’s a necessary part of life, but it still freaks me out.
Oh and by the way, I do like long walks on the beach, especially if the walks are followed by a good reverse cowgirl behind the sand dunes.
And did I mention that I hate cats and I’m terrified of your period. I will never understand why women have to bleed and be stinky for one week out of the month.
Nature, not God, works in mysterious ways. I truly feel sorry for women having to menstruate, but it will always make me want to vomit.
Anyway, I’m free all weekend, so hit me up with a text message or a saucy naked picture message and let’s do this thing.
(Wouldn’t life be easier if you knew this about a man before the whole bullshit courting process?)