Dear Pussies

I’m tired of the whining, I’m tired of the bitching and complaining.  America has turned into a nation of big, giant, dripping wet pussies.

(I mean no disrespect to women or their vaginas with this post.  I quite like vaginas; it just so happens that the word “pussy” is used universally to describe people as wimps.  I didn’t create that.)

On Patriotism: Stop moaning every time I say I’m against war, that doesn’t mean I’m unpatriotic, it just means I have a differing opinion than those who enjoy bombing the hell out of dark-skinned people half way across the world.

Hey, they killed about 3,000 of us at the Twin Towers; I think we are more than even now.

How much longer do we need to prove our dick-size?

And don’t patronize me with your American Flag displays.  Nothing screams “Patriot” more than your old ass truck with a confederate flag waving from the tailgate.  AMERICA, FUCK YEAH.

On American Idol Contestants: Hey parents, if your kid sings like a wounded dog, please have the courage to tell them that they suck.

When you hide the truth from your kids in an effort not to hurt their feelings, you are only setting them up for embarrassment and failure.

It’s better for you, their parents, to tell them that they suck instead of encouraging them to display their ill-fated vocals in front of a panel of judges and millions of Americans on television.

“But mommy and daddy, you said I was the best singer in the county.  Why did everyone laugh at me?”  See, just tell them they suck and none of that will happen. 

The worst thing you can instill in your child is misguided confidence.

There are winners and losers in life and your kid is a loser, even if the bumper sticker on your Datsun says, “My Kid is an Honor Student.”  Stop being a pussy and step into reality before my kid fucks your kid in the ass.

On Litigation: Hey pussies, stop hiring lawyers every time you don’t get your way. 

Just because your farts smell funny, doesn’t mean you need to sue McDonald’s.  After eating 5 McGriddles, your farts should smell terrible.   That funny smell is your soul trying to escape your body.

And please stop with the fake slip and falls at WalMart.  That big yellow caution sign that said, “SLIPPERY WHEN WET”, means that the floor is slippery and you should be more careful.

And don’t even start with the hot coffee.  COFFEE IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING HOT.  If you burn your tongue on hot coffee, then you deserve nothing more than a swift kick in the ass.

DUH’America, I’m tired of your whining and constant need to be recognized.  If you need help understanding how to use your opposable thumbs, please let me know and I will point you in the right direction.

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