Dear Prospective Employer (The Best Cover Letter Ever)

(I was bored one day, wrote this and emailed to several businesses.  Oddly enough, no responses)

To:  Whoever Needs A Break From Monotony

This may very well be the first cover letter you have ever read that will not be full of self gratuitous stories telling you why you should hire me.  Instead, I will present you with an unequivocally honesty depiction of who I am as a person and some of my experiences in the workforce that have shaped my personality.

My early work experience began in the world of retail clothing when I was a college student.  For nearly five years I crept from a stock boy to the relatively important position of assistant store manager.  Throughout that time I learned the following:

  • Most people generally suck and are devoid of all rational thought, especially when placed in a mall
  • White women with babies in strollers will steal clothing more than minority races will
  • Some customers will ask for a “refundment” or “exchangement” and be totally serious
  • Dressing rooms can sometimes be viewed as a restroom by angry customers

My more recent work experience for the last 7 years has been in the field of worker’s compensation while working for various payroll companies.  During this time I have learned the following:

  • To attain an upper management position you need not possess any traits of intellectualism
  • Any person with half a brain can fake and injury and get paid thousands of dollars with hardly being questioned
  • Not speaking English is beneficial and extremely important in winning a court case in Florida
  • It’s not how intelligent you are, it’s how well you can lick the ass above you that matters

I believe in honesty, integrity and telling people how I feel all the time.  I smell bullshit many miles away and will be quick to call someone out on it should they lather and spin their conversations to me with dung.  After reading this, you may say I’m crazy, but actually I have a firm grasp on reality and the human condition.

I’m not even really applying for any particular position.  I just thought I would give someone in the HR Department something to read and say “wow.”  Something different from the normal clichéd mutterings of job seekers telling you how well they “get along with others,” or what a “team player” they are.

Don’t you get tired of that?  How many applicants will tell you how much they like Mountain Dew and Cheetohs?  That would be me.  And how many would tell you that they don’t believe that we ever landed on the moon?  That would also be me.

Go ahead, take this to your water cooler and have a laugh, you deserve it, after all, you work in human resources.  I can’t imagine being you and having to tell the office smelly guy he needs to brush his teeth and wear deodorant.

Ouch, bet that college degree didn’t help with that scenario.  And yes, I do have a degree, a BS in Economics, but that doesn’t mean I understand anything that the Federal Reserve churns out.

Thank you for your time and if you feel so inclined, please email me or contact me at your leisure.

The SandyTongue AKA “Big Sexy”

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3 thoughts on “Dear Prospective Employer (The Best Cover Letter Ever)

  1. Awesomeness personified…

    Wouldn’t it be great if you actually got a high paying position by doing something like this? There’s gotta be someone out there who would appreciate it, right?

  2. I worked in Human Resources for 20+ years. I would have called you in for an interview, and asked you to bring me some cheetos and a mountain dew on your way. 🙂

  3. @sassypanties: thanks for reading and commenting, I appreicate it. It would be great if this actually worked, but no response yet. Maybe I will send it out again.

    @bird: I appreciate that. Nice to hear that from someone in HR, I thought an HR person would enjoy it.

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