If you haven’t been to a bar lately or walked in any mildly populated urban areas, there is a subculture out there called “Hipsters“.
I for one, think they are hilarious and can’t help but laugh at their desire to be cooler than everyone else. So, I decided to write a simple, step by step guide on How To Be A Hipster.
Just in case any of you want to be cooler than you already are. I’ve broken it down into 5 easy steps.
(Important note: this may not be an all inclusive list, I’ve only experienced hipsters at a short distance, please excuse any inaccuracies.)
Step 1: Beer
Forget your Heineken, Chimay, St. Bernardus, Sierra Nevada or Guinness, your days of drinking high quality, preservative free beer are over. Get ready for PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon), Old Milwaukee, and Keystone.
That’s right, in order to be a hipster you must drink old, crappy, aluminum canned beers. And after drinking this type of beer, you will spend most of your mornings groaning on the toilet.
But it’s worth it, being cool is much more important than a few painful and runny bowel movements.
Step 2: Wardrobe & Hygiene
This is one of the most important steps. You will need to dump the mall and begin shopping only at thrift stores, Goodwill and Salvation Army.
Please note; if you are a rich hipster, you can shop at Urban Outfitters, but only on their clearance rack. Items you need to consider buying; wool scarves, skinny jeans, trucker-style ball hats, any hats worn between the 50’s-60’s (Sinatra style), t-shirts with obscure music and movie references,pointed shoes and oddly large sunglasses. Those are just a few items that will get you a ticket on the hipster train.
As for hygiene; you will need to reduce your bathing/showering to about 2 per week.
The environment is important and you need to conserve water. Also make sure to let your hair grow, not just on your head but your entire body. Hairy means intellectual and shows that you are an individual.
Hairy shows that you wake up everyday and tell the world to FUCK Off.
But what about the smell, you may ask? Easy, just borrow from your hipster ancestors and buy a large case of Patchouli to cover up your new stench of coolness. Patchouli will cover up just about any smell known to mankind.
Step 3: Tattoos & Piercings
This is very important. You must get tattoos of items that most people would never think about permanently etching on their bodies.
For example; any kitchen appliances make very hipster tattoos or any items in your refrigerator like waffles, eggs, bagels, etc.
Don’t even think about tribal arm bands or Chinese characters, those are so very un-hipster.
As for piercings; just go ahead and pierce any part of your body multiple times. The more, the better.
It’s especially hipster to get ear gauges with plugs, (you know, the big, huge hoops that look like they never grow back).
By doing this, you will tell the world that you are truly unique and truly cooler than others around you.
Step 4: Music & Movies
Start listening to anything classified as Rockabilly, Alternative, College or Classic. Stay away from the radio, MTV or anything pop.
It’s especially Hipster to scrounge up any old cassette tapes you may find at thrift stores. Yes, I know they aren’t made anymore, but nothing screams Hipster more than someone listening to a cassette tape on an old Sony Walkman.
Your first priority for movies is that you must watch David Lynch’s Eraserhead at least 20 times, in the dark. After that, you may only watch Sundance, IFC and documentaries.
Documentaries are almost as important as Eraserhead.
Step 5: Intellectual Prowess
This is the only step that requires extensive reading. You must now attempt to be smarter than everyone else and learn how to debate anyone on any topic at any time.
You will need to read Proust, Nietzsche, Kafka, Kerouac and all the other beat poets. But more importantly, you must read every book and every essay by Noam Chomsky.
Understanding and quoting Chomsky is a cornerstone for being a good Hipster.
While these steps may not be an inclusive list of how to effectively become a Hipster, it will definitely put you on the right track.
Please take these steps now before another cooler, subculture appears and you have to start all over.
As Confucius supposedly once said, “To be a Hipster, one must look deep inside the souls of others, become stinky and get bad tattoos. Then the Hipster way you will find.”
Or that may have been Yoda, I’m not exactly sure.