How to Become a Hipster

If you haven’t been to a bar lately or walked in any mildly populated urban areas, there is a subculture out there called Hipsters.

I for one, think they are hilarious and can’t help but laugh at their desire to be cooler than everyone else. So, I decided to write a simple, step by step guide on How To Be A Hipster.

Just in case any of you want to be cooler than you already are. I’ve broken it down into 5 easy steps.
(Important note: this may not be an all inclusive list, I’ve only experienced hipsters at a short distance, please excuse any inaccuracies.)

Step 1: Beer
Forget your Heineken, Chimay, St. Bernardus, Sierra Nevada or Guinness, your days of drinking high quality, preservative free beer are over. Get ready for PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon), Old Milwaukee, and Keystone.

That’s right, in order to be a hipster you must drink old, crappy, aluminum canned beers. And after drinking this type of beer, you will spend most of your mornings groaning on the toilet.

But it’s worth it, being cool is much more important than a few painful and runny bowel movements.

Step 2: Wardrobe & Hygiene
This is one of the most important steps. You will need to dump the mall and begin shopping only at thrift stores, Goodwill and Salvation Army.

Please note; if you are a rich hipster, you can shop at Urban Outfitters, but only on their clearance rack. Items you need to consider buying; wool scarves, skinny jeans, trucker-style ball hats, any hats worn between the 50’s-60’s (Sinatra style), t-shirts with obscure music and movie references,pointed shoes and oddly large sunglasses. Those are just a few items that will get you a ticket on the hipster train.

As for hygiene; you will need to reduce your bathing/showering to about 2 per week.

The environment is important and you need to conserve water. Also make sure to let your hair grow, not just on your head but your entire body. Hairy means intellectual and shows that you are an individual.

Hairy shows that you wake up everyday and tell the world to FUCK Off.

But what about the smell, you may ask? Easy, just borrow from your hipster ancestors and buy a large case of Patchouli to cover up your new stench of coolness. Patchouli will cover up just about any smell known to mankind.

Step 3: Tattoos & Piercings
This is very important. You must get tattoos of items that most people would never think about permanently etching on their bodies.

For example; any kitchen appliances make very hipster tattoos or any items in your refrigerator like waffles, eggs, bagels, etc.

Don’t even think about tribal arm bands or Chinese characters, those are so very un-hipster.

As for piercings; just go ahead and pierce any part of your body multiple times. The more, the better.

It’s especially hipster to get ear gauges with plugs, (you know, the big, huge hoops that look like they never grow back).

By doing this, you will tell the world that you are truly unique and truly cooler than others around you.

Step 4: Music & Movies
Start listening to anything classified as Rockabilly, Alternative, College or Classic. Stay away from the radio, MTV or anything pop.

It’s especially Hipster to scrounge up any old cassette tapes you may find at thrift stores. Yes, I know they aren’t made anymore, but nothing screams Hipster more than someone listening to a cassette tape on an old Sony Walkman.

Your first priority for movies is that you must watch David Lynch’s Eraserhead at least 20 times, in the dark. After that, you may only watch Sundance, IFC and documentaries.

Documentaries are almost as important as Eraserhead.

Step 5: Intellectual Prowess
This is the only step that requires extensive reading. You must now attempt to be smarter than everyone else and learn how to debate anyone on any topic at any time.

You will need to read Proust, Nietzsche, Kafka, Kerouac and all the other beat poets. But more importantly, you must read every book and every essay by Noam Chomsky.

Understanding and quoting Chomsky is a cornerstone for being a good Hipster.

In Summary:
While these steps may not be an inclusive list of how to effectively become a Hipster, it will definitely put you on the right track.

Please take these steps now before another cooler, subculture appears and you have to start all over.

As Confucius supposedly once said, “To be a Hipster, one must look deep inside the souls of others, become stinky and get bad tattoos. Then the Hipster way you will find.”

Or that may have been Yoda, I’m not exactly sure.


9 thoughts on “How to Become a Hipster

  1. Nothing makes me laugh/cringe more than walking about campus and seeing the majority of men in tighter jeans than the women.

  2. I am going to email this post to all my Brooklyn friends. I’m impressed that someone who only experiences hipsters from a distance has gotten them down quite accurately. However, you should add vintage stores to section 2. They’re all over the place now.

    Finally, THERE ARE HIPSTERS IN SUBURBAN FLORIDA? What am I saying, there are hipsters everywhere!!!

  3. @sediment- thanks for commenting, I will never understand men wearing tight jeans, never

    @Emily- thanks again for commenting, I appreciate it. For me, the term “vintage” reminds me of things that smell bad. Amazingly, hipsters usually smell bad. You are right, there are hipsters everywhere.

  4. Ahhh. I knew what a hipster was by sight, but since I haven’t had an occasion to talk with any, learning about those other…quirks…is a useful thing to know.

    You know, some of the qualities of the hipster that you list could also just mean somebody is poor, yet relatively intelligent–shopping at thrift stores, reading everything under the sun, preferring indie movies and documentaries, etc.

    Oh, wait, I’m describing me. Only I’m too fat to wear skinny jeans. And I don’t have facial hair (unless you count the peach fuzz) or weird tattoos. I do have some cool tattoos and some piercings, but I don’t like those ear gauge thingies. And I can’t STAND patchouli. Gross. I always thought people who wore that shit were just trying to hide the smell of marijuana. They never succeeded, by the way. I could still smell it.

  5. In the past ten years, my Brooklyn neighborhood has become hipster central, and let me tell you most days I feel like if I see one more goddamned weedy little under-employed snot in an ironic hat, pulling a red wagon full of his laundry (in the middle of a weekday), I will set him, his pathetic little chihuahua and his anti-beauty poster girl ON FIRE. Thank you for the opportunity vent. I feel much better, though a little guilty about the dog.

    If you haven’t seen the hipster song, you really should. Look:

    Thanks for scratching. Love what you’re doing here.

  6. @holly- I think a lot of hispters actually have a good deal of money, but the qualities being poor are so ironic they can’t help themselves. I’ve been watching docs for years, have some tats, watched Eraserhead a few times and like good beer, maybe I’m a closet hipster. But I will always bathe regularly and wear deodorant.

    @unclephin- thanks for reading and commenting, I appreciate it. I hope you continue to enjoy my posts

    @WSW- thanks for coming by and commenting. “ironic hat, pulling a red wagon”, love it. Could you please take a picture of that one day, I would love to see it in action. I will check the link out, thanks again.

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