(I’ve always wanted to be interviewed by some important publication like Vanity Fair or Playboy, but I fear it may never happen. So, I figured I would interview myself. I will be conducting the interview of myself as if I had written an acclaimed novel that later became a blockbuster movie, kind of like The Notebook.)
Interviewer Notes: Scheduling a meeting with The Sandy Tongue was indeed a difficult task, but finally, he agreed to meet me at Vol De Nuit in Soho.
It’s a Belgian beer bar, dimly light and mysterious, much like the Tongue. He was wearing a non-ironic shirt, non-ironic pants and smelled of a normal scent. He was drinking a Chimay White.
Interviewer: So, unless under a rock, everyone knows that you have become a tremendous success. To what do you tribute this success?
Tongue: I’m confused when you say, “have become a tremendous success.” I’ve always been successful, but now people just notice me more because they see my name on the cover of a book and scrolling across the bottom of a movie screen.
Interviewer: Well, that’s not exactly what I expected you to say.
Tongue: Well, I didn’t expect you to ask a dumb, fucking question. I tribute my success to the fact that I never tried to succeed in a monetary sense. I write, I speak, and I act from within. No bull shit from me. I say what I feel. I write what I feel. I present my true self on the pages.
Interviewer: So essentially, you are saying that you tribute your success to Y, O, U?
Tongue: Not essentially; exactly. I exactly tribute my success to me. Who else is there?
Interviewer: I’ve heard that your ego can sometimes be a problem, is that true?
Tongue: Another great fucking question. My ego is just right, right in line with my understanding of the universe.
I am a miniscule speck on this spinning rock. I’m sure you “heard” that from some very reliable sources in terms of me and my relationships with others.
I’m sure that six degrees of the sandy tongue enabled you to speak with someone who sniffed my ass one day at the wrong moment and decided I had an ego problem.
Interviewer: So what are your thoughts on religion?
Tongue: Nice transition, asshole. Real slick how you glossed over that last revelation. Everyone who read my Wikipedia knows that I’m an atheist. Could you ask me a question that requires a more defined thought process?
Interviewer: Well, have you ever tossed another man’s salad?
Tongue: I’ve never like Thousand Island Dressing.
I’ve started a new blog now called Duh’Merica. It’s inspired by people like you. Cheers.