Headlines for Impending Doom

Hello America, it’s me….China and I am winning.  If you don’t believe me, just check out these TMZ.com headlines.

You may ask, “Why does TMZ matter?”  Well, it shouldn’t matter, but millions and millions of you couch slobs can’t get enough.  You should probably teach your kids to find me on a map by now.

Headlines:

Beyonce; Having Blue Ivy Leaves Her in a One Piece– Because little girls everywhere should worry about what kind of bathing suit a R&B singer is wearing after birthing a child.  I feel more educated and in tune with the world reading about her bathing suit, RELIEF.

Juvenile; I LOVE MY SON…Even Though I Want a Paternity Test– Oh fucking dear, because a rapper’s paternity issues should be front page news.  And please tell me you are shocked that a rapper isn’t sure if his kid is actually his???

I just dumped my venti Starbucks over my head and can’t feel the burn because my brain is eating itself from the inside out.  NUMB

Steve Irwin’s Baby Boy; Like Crocodile Hunter, Like Son– Well, I will give TMZ this one.  I love nature, loved Steve Irwin and what he did for animal conservation.  You see, I give credit where credit is due.

Khloe Kardashian; Bummed Out About Lamar Odom– Well, I knew TMZ had to work in a Kardashian story.  Even if it is the less attractive sister who married an NBA player.  She’s upset that his career is ending.  Uh oh, I predict a break-up in the near future before the money runs out.  Time to trade Lamar in for a rookie.

OCTOMOM; Ahole Smashes Car Window “Leave California or Die”- A story about a woman who fucked with mother nature to breed a shit-ton of kids and is now on welfare.  By the way, no father, no worries.  She’s about two steps away from wearing a ball-gag and getting fucked by dudes wearing adult diapers.

I REST MY CASE AMERICA, for now.

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