Being an atheist, I’m not exactly fond of churches or going to church. But, I set aside my personal beliefs and comforts this past Sunday to attend a Southern Baptist church with my wife, stepchildren and her father. He’s 84 years old and it means a lot to him. You see, I’m a nice atheist.
Church is No Place for Germaphobes: Sure, I’ve been to church before, but it had been several years. I had totally forgotten how much “touching” goes on in church (no, not a Catholic priest joke).
Before I could even find an empty pew, I was touched by at least six strangers. Several creepily long hand shakes and foreplay-like pats on the back escorted me in. I even watched one elderly man use a handkerchief to blow his nose right before greeting me with his slick palm.
Thoughts of Avian Flu and Ebola steadily circled in my brain. If terrorists were a little smarter, they could easily spread some devastating flu strain throughout America just by going to one church service.
Uneducated Congregation: This church is in a poor area of town and the congregation reflects that. This was a Metro PCS church, no IPhones were present.
It was easy to see that many of them have little more than a high school education and intelligence is a prayer that God hasn’t exactly answered for them yet. They hinged on every word delivered by the pastor and echoed his statements with “Amens” and “Alleluias.”
They became especially excited when the pastor made fun of Buddha, Krishna and Allah. The pastor even ridiculed Hollywood actors and said they are living it up now, but will spend eternity in Hell. It took all my strength to not stand up and say, “America, FUCK YEAH!!!,” but I refrained.
Horrific Singing: Have you ever noticed that no matter how shitty a choir or soloist is, as long as they are singing for Jesus, their singing is beautiful?
An older woman sang a solo and it sounded like a thousand young children screaming for their mommies as a giant goblin began to eat them for lunch. It was truly, truly bad. But everyone clapped like she was Renee Fucking Fleming. Churches are always bad at providing people with false confidence.
End of Service: My wife kept asking me, “Honey, are you alright?” I told her I was fine and that she was the only person who knew that I was an atheist.
Unless of course atheists give off a certain smell that the congregation might notice. Never mind, the only smell they would notice would be deep-fried foods and Ranch dressing.
I have to say that it wasn’t too bad. I went to support my family and that I will always do. But I will always say that the best way to become or remain an atheist is to go to a church service.